just mini stories that come to mind that I have chosen to jot down as a means of practicing and strengthening my writing
none of these have been edited and likely have not been read through before publishing so please not if you find a grammatical e...
It kills me knowing how much she hurt you. I wish I could tell you how I feel but I know that it wouldn't be good for you. So now I must put you above myself so that one day I can put us first. Today I have two writings because I'm in two very separate head spaces.
It's a rush of nerves, all at once but slowly increasing.
I can't help but bounce my leg in anticipation. What am I anticipating though? There's nothing going on. I have no commitments today and no plans for the week.
The feeling is almost always constant. I've begged it to stop, taken the meds, seen the doctors. Nothing works. I want it to all work, I plead for something to work. It never does.
The nerves? They're not like stage fright or I-Hate-Heights-And-I'm-Getting-On-This-Roller-Coaster-Nerves.
They're the feeling you get when you know you've failed a test and have to tell your parent.
The rushing heartbeat you get when you stop the car just before it collides with the one in front of you.
The spike of blood pressure from not realizing how deep the pool is and the initial panic of being unable to touch.
It's all of the worst nerves in one feeling and the one feeling is always there.
"Just make sure you're taking your anti-anxiety medication twice a day in six hour intervals," my psychiatrist says with a smile.
But the thing is, I take them on the hour. I have alarms set. I never miss a dose. No matter how perfectly I take the chemicals meant to ease my anxiety or how high the dosage, nothing works.
I think I'm going to go in again before the spring semester is over.
'In' meaning in-patient. I need the help and nothing else has worked.
My nerves and anxiety skyrocket with the impending course load, my depression takes a nosedive at the thought of enrollment. I hate living in that box of a dorm with no where to call my own or my home. I want a silent space with no one around and nothing that moves. A place to relax with music and my dog and my bed. I want to be better.
I've thought about transferring or something, just to get away from the familiar and the people. I don't want to run into ex's anymore in the commons, I don't want to be forced into smalltalk and hello's. I'm tired of knowing everyone and listening to how their lives keep progressing while I feel stuck.
Stuck in school. Stuck at "home." Stuck with my friends— or lack thereof. Stuck in life.
So transferring has been at the forefront of my mind; but how does one transfer with two F's on their transcript and mental illnesses that, 1. Require regular doctors, psychiatry and therapy visits and 2. Wont allow me to do all of those things anywhere else because I take forever to trust anyone.
The answer is: you wait. Wait until it gets better. Wait until your GPA increases after more semesters of working as hard as you can— and hopefully this time it will pay off. Wait until you get the balls to do research with the intention of following up on that research.
Life is a huge fucking waiting game and shit if im loosing the game.
So as I said, it's a rush of nerves. All at once but slowing worsening. They never go away. They probably wont.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
I stand there, in the middle of the world with a simultaneous emptiness and business around me.
I can't help the sigh of calm that escapes my lips, I feel my heart beat sync with the wind around me. My hair whips along side my neck and face with the breeze.
This feeling is so foreign to me, the feeling of tranquility; It's always shakes and side glances and paranoia that it will all fall apart.
This new experience feels like the way a pool of cool water feels upon first interaction on a hot summer day. Like clean sheets after a hot shower and a long day. Like seeing your pet after being away for an extended period of time.
It's new and familiar all at the same time.
I open my eyes to the sun casting it's rays through the clouds, to the people rushing in different directions, to the zip of cars as they speed past.
"Please," I cry out, surprising the birds above me. "Please let me feel this way always."
