DEFIANT | Carl Grimes

22: ron

i sit up and see enid is still asleep. i get up and groan. when does it get easier? i get out of bed and go back to the house. i go upstairs and knock on rick's door. "come in," i hear and open the door, peaking my head in. i see rick with judith and he looks over at me. "jade. i was just going to come look for you. there's something that i need to ask you."

i step in and lean against the wall. "it isn't about carl, is it?" i ask. "because it's a lost cause with me."

"no, actually it's a little more serious than that," he says and nods at the bed. "sit, please. you're gonna need a minute."

"is everything alright?" i ask and judith coos.

"it's about jesse's house," he says and looks at me. "it needs to be cleared out."

"okay, so what's the problem?" i ask and shrug.

"i thought maybe it would be a good idea if you and enid and mikey did it," he says.

"i'm still not seeing what's supposed to be bad about this situation," i say and narrow my eyes.

"are you okay?" he asks and i nod. "have you cried?"

"have i ever cried?" i ask.

"that's the problem," he says. "you don't cry because you don't let yourself feel anything."

"i do," i tell him. "but crying isn't how i cope."

"you had a little memorial for ron?" he asks.

"and i didn't cry," i tell him. "trust me, though. i felt it. ron died and so did his mom and so did his brother and hell, even his dad is dead. ron was the first kid i met when this happened and i thought i was the last one left. i felt it. i feel it. so no i didn't cry. that's not how i cope."

"you need to feel this," he says.

"i am. i just don't cry. that's a fact. people die. that's a fact. it happens," i tell him.

"okay," he nods. "then you and the others will be helping clean out his house."

"who else is coming then?" i ask.

"i am," he says and takes a deep breath. "i'll clean out jesse's room."

i tilt my head and look at him. "have you cried yet?" i ask, feigning sympathy. he shakes his head and sighs. i get up and walk over to the door. "i wanted to come and tell you i'm sorry. i never in no way placed any blame on you for anything that happened with them. sam, and ron and jesse and carl... actually according to carl, it's my fault. according to carl it's all been my fault. so i'm sorry and i love you and you're all the family i have. you do not need to feel guilty about anything. you lost someone you could've fallen in love with... and apparently," i scoff and scratch my head, "apparently so did i and i do feel it."

"i'll meet you at the house," he nods and goes back to judith. i walk out of the room and close the door behind me.

i run into mikey on my way to ron's house and he starts walking with me. "you know they want us to clean out ron's house?" i ask.

"yeah," he sighs and takes a deep breath. "that's where i'm headed. i just told enid."

"alright," i say.

"hey, wait up," we hear and look back to see enid, running over to us.

"this is ridiculous," i chuckle.

"is carl coming?" mikey asks.

"come on, mikey," enid says. "why would he?"