DEFIANT | Carl Grimes

18: you don't want to do this

i step out the van when we get to alexandria and stare as they take tara off to get checked out. "woah, are you alright?" ron asks as him and mikey run over to me. i look at him and down at my hands.

"what did i do?" i whisper to myself. "what did i do? what did i do? what did i do? what did i do?" my hands were the last thing noah touched. "my book..." i say softly and look at the van.

ron looks at me and then around in the van. "okay, ron get her book," mikey says and grabs my hand. "grab her book and we're gonna go take her to get cleaned up and then we're gonna take her to get her leg looked at."

i almost forgot about my leg. the boys walk me over to ron's house. "oh my god. is she all right?" jesse asks when she sees me and ron motions for her to calm down.

they help me up the stairs and walk me into the bathroom, mikey takes off my shoes and socks while ron turns on the shower head. ron guides me into the tub and stands me under the faucet, tilting my head back.

"you're gonna be alright," mikey says and wets a rag, wringing it out against my skin.

ron unties noah's shirt from around my leg and i begin to feel it pulsate again. i look down at him. "do you want me to wash this?" he asks and looks at me. i shake my head.

"maybe we should just put it on the counter, yeah?" mikey suggests, continuing to clean the parts of my skin that are visible to him. "she can take it back to her house with her."

they continue to clean me up for a while and i look down at the bathtub. "sorry for dirtying your tub," i say softly and stare at the blood and dirty water going down the drain.

"don't even worry about," ron says. "how's your head?"

"what's wrong with my head?"

"just a cut. thought i'd ask," he nods.

"how's your leg?" mikey asks and i shrug. "well, let's get you back home then."

they take me back to our house and daryl answers the door. "we were just cleaning her up," ron nods.

daryl puts his hand on my shoulder and guides me in, closing the door on the boys. "they were just trying to help," i said and he shrugs.

"come on," he says and helps me upstairs.

~

i'm laying on my side in bed when i hear a knock at the door and carl peaks his head into the room. he comes and sits in front of me on the floor so we're leveled eye to eye. "hey," i look at him.

he watches me for a moment. "hey," he replies softly. he nods, watching me. "noah died today."

"yeah, noah died today," i repeat. he nods and gets ready to stand up. "i can't remember," i let out and he crouches down, looking at me. "the last time i was happy. noah died today and all i could think about was how i can't remember the last time i was happy, which is depressing but, noah died pulling me out of the way and i wanna be able to remember something like that. and i can't, carl... i can't remember. can you remember the last time you were genuinely happy?"

he looks at me and then stands up, walking to the bathroom. he sets his hat down and takes his flannel off. he comes back and leans on the doorway. "it was a very hot day," he says and i look up at him. "i, uh, i had been outside most of the day because my dad was passed out on the couch and, uh, well i was outside for a long time and i had found this house. i remember searching through it for something to eat, anything really and i found this huge can of pudding on the top shelf in the kitchen. i can never remember how big it was, but i remember it was a lot of pudding. i carried it upstairs with me because i wanted to eat it on the roof, but the first room i went into there was a walker and he got my shoe. i was pretty upset about that, but anyway i went into the next room and i went and sat out on the roof and i started eating the pudding... then i hear your voice come from the window and i was so shocked because i figured you were finally free, i didn't think i was ever gonna see you again. you were wearing that yellow dress that i used to think was so ugly, but now when i think of it, i remember you actually looking really beautiful and bright... that was the last time i was genuinely happy. when you found me. that was the first time we really really got along."