Last One Fighting ~ Negan Fanfic

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I didn't think about my destination I just ran. I don't know if I passed anyone on my way, but if I had I must have looked half insane. There was no way I was going to be able to stay now. I had completely lost it on one of Negan's men. I had been just centimeters away from plunging a knife into his eye before Negan himself had to step in to stop me. He couldn't let me stay, not after what happened. I had finally proven myself to be too dangerous and he would be forced to throw me out. Cold dread swept through me as I realized he might throw Kate and Merle out as well.

I couldn't breathe. My chest felt too tight and my stomach rolled as anxiety and panic choked me. I stumbled over my feet as I shoved the heavy metal door open. It slammed shut behind me and I sagged against the railing. I gasped in fresh air and the tears that had been threatening to fall finally tore their way up my throat. I sobbed, my hands gripping the railing so hard it made my fingers hurt. The cold metal digging into my hand reminded me of the knife. I violently shoved myself away from the rail, dumping me onto my butt.

I sobbed so hard my whole body shook and I collapsed forward as tears and snot ran down my face. I tried to hold it back, tried to pull it in, but it was like now that I had let it loose I couldn't stop. My whole body shook with the force of the sobs I had been holding in for as far back as I could remember.

I didn't know what exactly it was that I was crying for. For what I had almost done? Or maybe it was for all the things I had done and been forced to do simply to survive. Maybe it was everything...everything I was afraid of inside of me and surrounding me.

I was so tired of being afraid. I thought coming here would mean I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. But I was more afraid here than I had ever been. Now we had something to lose, and our ability to stay here was based entirely on the whims of one man. A man who had me spinning. I felt so turned around it was like I couldn't think straight when he was near me.

Stop, reset.

I squeezed my eyes shut until they burned. Pressing my fists against my closed lids. I couldn't keep doing this. What had happened in the hall with Negan...I couldn't do that, I couldn't let myself feel the things I felt in that moment.

Trust no one.

I jerked my hands away from my eyes. Even my fists couldn't stop the flood of tears. But I couldn't cry. Not like this. I couldn't.

Stop, reset.

I sniffed, angrily swiping the last of the tears from my cheeks. I couldn't do this. I couldn't let myself lose control like I had in that room, and certainly not like this. I needed to be stronger than this. In this place I couldn't afford to show any weakness. I was a fighter, sometimes it felt like that was all I had ever been, and I couldn't forget that. Not ever.

I heard the door click open and I exhaled sharply. I didn't want to see anyone right now. I turned away from the door to watch a sunset I only just now noticed.

As far as I knew only two people were aware of my hiding place. I didn't know which one I should hope for. I didn't want either Negan nor Merle to see me like this, but Merle would be the less complicated. Merle might worry, but he wouldn't try and force me to talk about it.

I didn't look up at him as he sat down next to me. He twirled my knife through his fingers and held it out. "You forgot this," Negan said casually, as though I had left it sitting on a counter someplace and he hadn't had to talk me out of killing one of his men.

His man Soderhill. He had called the man Soderhill. I needed to think of Soderhill as a man and not the threat he had felt like in my head. He was a man who could have a family here and I had nearly...