All the light we cannot see

Denial

Three days on and I'm finally out of that god forsaken hospital. Finally away from prying eyes and worried expressions. Sanitary environments and xenon lights. Scratch that, my mum just walked into my room with a box of plasters and that very worried expression I was just glad was gone... I knew why she was here though, the slices across my arms were looking questionably disinfected at best. That however was the last thing on my mind, I still longed to see that nurse again, honestly I'd let the wounds fester if it just meant I had to go back to the hospital and see her once more.
"There's a community nurse coming to apply dressing to those..." her voice tailed off as if she couldn't bring herself to think of her son cutting himself up and tearing himself down.
"They're cuts mum" I spat, I get this can't be easy for her but surely it is less easy for me.
"Yes dear, it's important to keep infection at bay with that many cuts and I thought she'd be able to do a better job than m"
"Wait, she? What's her name?"
" umm she wanted to be less formal and so asked to be called... Lauryn? I believe?"
I don't know why I asked, it's not as if I knew her name in the first place and it wouldn't be her, she was a nurse in a hospital not one for the community, it's just hard not to get our hopes up, people like her don't come around very often.
I still haven't seen my dad, mum says he's busy with work but I know he's disappointed to rear such a boy as myself, too much baggage under the family name.
My room was just how I'd left it, bar the permanent pull up bar hanging from my ceiling and a new carpet to replace the stains, and of course the noose that had hung from he pull up bar. Other than that my king bed took up half of the room and the other half was crowded with drawers and cupboards and a seated bay window looking out over the street, I kept the curtains closed now though, I used to live to have them open and drench my room in light but now I preferred the dark. I had very few personal items, I felt my room was for sleeping, or attempting that rather than somewhere to contemplate the complexities of life. All I had was a cork-board with my favourite pages of my favourite books messily stapled over it. Very simple and yet very personal as well. I was in a bit of a mood given the current situation - all but disowned by my father, a slight glimpse at the woman of my dreams before she disappeared forever, one failed suicide attempt and still no friends to confide in. In fact there were only two people on this earth that I'd like to see right now-
My thought was interrupted by the presence of my sister poking around the door - one of those two people, what a coincidence.
"Hey loubs" she spoke through her smile
"Fancy bumping into you here Jess" I returned with a similarly Cheshire Cat smile.
I'm not entirely sure why I connected so strongly with my sister, she's 25, 6 years older than me but she's always been a rock in an ever changing and scary world for me. A single person on which I can rely to be consistent and ever strong. She and my mum have been the two that have been silent about their judgement if they were harbouring any.
"How's it hangin-..." she caught herself and visually cringed at her mistake
"Haha hey hey hey don't you start now, you're the only one who's been treating me normally since my attempt, don't join them now!" I rubbed the back of my neck at the slightly awkward air of the situation but tried to keep a composed exterior. "You know it's funny I was just thinking you're one of two people on earth I'd be happy to see here right now" I blurted out to try and loosen the tension.
"Oh well you better make room for a third, I'm only here to tell you that your nurse is here, and watch yourself, she's gorgeou..."
"Knock knock" rang a vaguely familiar voice before an unforgettable face emerged around the corner of the door... the only other person I wanted to see... my jaw hit the floor so hard I could've sworn I saw them flinch at the sound.
"Hi again Louie" she uttered as she stroked a strand of hair back behind her ear and glanced up at me with those eyes, I was drawn into them and was lost at sea instantly and yet so euphorically happy about it.
"U- We- Hi Lauryn" I finally managed to stumble out. She smirked at how clearly awkward I was and I cursed myself for finding it so cute.
"I'm gonna leave you to it, you're clearly adept in the art of talking to pretty women" my sister giggled to herself and I saw Lauryn start to blush. Jess left the room and Lauryn seemed to regain her composure, if she lost it in the first place or if she was just being polite. She asked if we had access to a bathroom and I lead her into my en suite and she opened a small case of medical supplies.
"This is going to sting a little" she said through a grimace and held my hand as she poured some antiseptic liquid over my cuts that began to froth on contact. I accidentally squeezed her hand from the pain but i guess she expected it as she showed no sign of flinching.
"So, tell me about yourself" she proposed as the pain slowly subsided
"Well where do I begin" I struggled out through gritted teeth; clenching at the pain.