All the light we cannot see

Shock

"What am I doing here? What happened?" My raspy voice just about managed to conjure from my ache ridden chest.
"What is wrong with you!? How could you do this to us all!?" My mum retorted between her sobs.
"Tell me. What happened." I pressed my question again despite the evident emotional wreck that my mum was. It may have been selfish but clearly my being here meant my problem was worse than my mothers.
We were now alone in the hospital room and the drips still lay limp, bestowing their life giving liquid contents to nothing since I had torn them from my arms. Removing the two drip cables was nothing compared to removing the catheter that collected my urine whilst I was unconscious however... The doctors had insisted I return the electrodes so my heart rate can be measured. Right now it was far above my resting rate, something that would have been evident to anyone nearby due to the ire in my harsh tone.
"I found you" my mum had finally managed to get out after she had seemingly calmed slightly "just hanging there limply... why would you do this?" Her genuinely inquisitive eyes almost sparked emotion in me. Almost.
"The doctor recommended I rest" I muttered and turned my back to the only woman to ever love me. I held my eyes closed, hoping that the harder I screwed them shut, the quicker she'd leave. I heard her chair leg squeak as she stood up and listened to the sound of her shoes as she left me alone. Alone - the way I wanted to be.
I guess I'm in a state of shock, things got to the point where I made the active decision to take my life and I couldn't even do that. I had decided once before that there was nothing keeping me tied to this earth so why is it still keeping me here? My eyes were still clenched shut and the only thing I felt was the rhythmic pounding of my heart, as if it was mocking me.
Three days I've been here I haven't seen my dad once; my mum said he came whilst I was comatose but I know that's not true. The only question is the reason why, was he disappointed or was he scared? As I was contemplating this I heard footsteps enter the room, I shouldn't have been so harsh on my mum so I rolled over to apologise but was instead met with the sight of a nurse, blue scrubs and clipboard in hand.
"Morning sleepy head" she said with a smile spreading across her face.
She couldn't have been any older than me, how was she here? I'm 19, she should be in school, but thank god she wasn't, thank god she was here right now because she is beautiful. She has clear porcelain skin, devoid of scars or blemishes and without makeup. The lack of concealer meant her freckles were clear as day, a spattering of imperfect perfection, a disarray of light brown dabs from an artists paintbrush that somehow formed into a smile shape of their own as her mouth did so too. But it was her eyes that I found myself drawn to, blue like the ocean and as I stared I swore I could see waves crashing and in the water, flecks of gold spread from the pupil and were lost at sea. All in those eyes. She was like the ocean, a calm a beautiful day, her hair fell in short waves against her shoulders like liquid gold flowing from high ground.
It was only when the curve of her smile flattened out that I realised I hadn't replied and had simply been admiring her for what felt like years. My face heated up and I stumbled to get the words out: "U- um, hi" I managed to mumble.
Thank god the smile returned to her face but this time she clearly stifled a laugh as she closed her eyes and revealed a toothy smile. What was going on? I'm a sultry, suicidal teen shrouded in darkness and one minute with this girl and the light she gave off had changed my persona into a star struck child.
"So" the word lingered on her lips as though she was hiding something. "I was the one responsible for your bed baths whilst you were out... but I guess I'm not needed now you're awake"
My eyes grew wide and my mouth dropped open slightly... this angel had been washing my naked body whilst I was unconscious for the past who knows how long. She must have seen my shocked expression as she quickly added "don't worry I have to do it for plenty of people"
"Oh no don't worry I understand it's ok" I tried to maintain a calm exterior and felt I had pulled it off successfully until I tracked her eyes look from me to the heart rate monitor beside my bed that was currently reading 144 beats per minute, over double my usual. Without thinking I again tore off the electrode to try and hide how crazy I thought this was but forgot about the alarm that was about to sound. She clearly knew what was coming because she strode meaningfully to the back of the room as multiple doctors and nurses scurried through the door, and just like that I lost sight of her and my brain was returned to the four dark walls it was before her visit.