count to ten; a.i

F I V E

FIVE

It got better after that.

It was at the start of the fifth year that I gave birth to our child, and I never knew I could love something so much. Something that I wanted to protect and care for more that myself.

'Where's Ashton?' I had screamed in the delivery room as my room-mate from college, Hannah, held my hand.

You'd disappeared to somewhere just as I became fully dialated, and I had doctors rushing around looking for you.

'I don't know, Ava!' She panicked, but just at that moment, you burst through the doors with a nurse in tow, and rushed to me, kissing me and wrapping your fingers around mine.

'Breathe, Mrs Silver,' The Doctor had said, and even though I was pushing a baby out of me, I still had the strength to correct him,

'It's Miss Silver!' I breathed, before screaming in agony.

Childbirth was longer than I thought it would be, but the end result was something more beautiful than diamonds, or shimmering water beneath a sunset, or the necklace you gave me on our very first anniversary. Or you, Ashton, or anyone in the world.

After a hard five hours, I gave birth to a baby girl.

When the doctor asked for her name, we didn't know what to say. You squeezed my hand and leaned in, whispering a name in my ear - Amelia.

I had heard the name before, but it suddenly sounded so beautiful in your voice. The way your lips came together to form the M, you tongue curling around for the L. It was suddenly the most magical name in the world.

I nodded and you gave the Doctor the name. Without hesitation, you said,

'Amelia Ava Irwin,'

I grinned at you, but closed my eyes - childbirth was not only long, but very tiring.

I lived with you for the rest of the year, doing my college course online. It was a slow progression to my degree, but at least I was getting somewhere.

During the days when you weren't at work, I was studying, so you looked after Amelia. We watched her grow into a healthy baby girl together, and it was something we shared.

She was ours.

It was on your thirtieth birthday that we walked down a beach at twilight. Amelia was at home, being looked after by your mother.

I suggested that we go home, but just before we started walking away, you grabbed me by the hand. Yours was warm, despite the fact that it was winter.

I leaned in and gave you a kiss. You seemed shaky and nervous when you said,

'I love you, Ava,'

'I love you too, Ashton' I had replied, and a look of assurance came over your face.

Slowly, you let go of my hand and knelt down, sinking into the fine grains. I could feel all the blood in my body rushing to my brain as I realised what was about to happen, and I felt sick. A good sick, though. LIke I was sick of being alone, and you were about to fix it.

You pulled a ring out of your jacket. Before, when you'd said we should get married, I'd said no because I knew it wasn't the right time.

It was different this time - because this time I said yes.

When we got home, we put Amelia to bed. She was excactly five months that day, and I couldn't believe it was possible for us to have made something so beautiful.

As soon as she was sound asleep, we made love, and there was a feeling inside of me. A thought. A wish.

I wished that you'd given me another child.