Run Between

When the letter first arrives in the mail, I grab a pencil and sign the contract. Of course I want to continue filming Summertime, including its sequels. Of course I want to be an actress. But when I think this, I realize it doesn't give me the same rush as it did when I signed my first-ever contract to play Skye.

These past few months, I've been trying to run between the two worlds: that of schoolgirls, and that of actresses. That of nerdiness and that of popularity. In a way, it is as if there are two continents separated by an ocean, and I am on a boat somewhere in between.

Do I want to sail around in this boat forever? Acting is my passion, but I could never give up schoolwork and a chance at a different future because of it. I love Aidan, but do I want to live his life--followed by people wherever he goes, coming into school only a few days a year? I cannot answer the question, and so I leave it for a while; focusing instead on the summer schoolwork I have ignored while working on Summertime.

However, when the question still confuses me the next day, I ask for advice. Mom says to follow my heart, while Dad says to follow my brain. Ben tells me it will make me popular but cold, while Evan says it will make me weird but nice. Kat says she will be my best friend no matter what. I don't ask Steve and Aidan. They wouldn't understand why I'm considering leaving them behind.

Finally, I question myself. Not a fast questioning, as I did earlier, but an asking where I dig deep down and sit in the hole for a while. Where I really wonder if I can--if I want to--run between worlds.

In the end, I leave my signature on the paper, but when I give it to Nick, all I can feel is relief. I will never sign a contract like that again after Summertime.