Unspoken

Mentally Unwell

"No one can confidently say if I will still be living tomorrow."

Every night, I will cry for no reason,

And not knowing the reason makes me feel more confused.

There were times that I won't talk to anybody.

No one knows that I am crying every night,

No one knows that I am not talking to anybody because I am overthinking,

No one knows what I am actually feeling.

I'm starting to change,

I'm starting to avoid talking to people,

I'm starting to hide my feelings,

I'm starting to hate anyone just because of the very little mistake they did,

I'm starting to read their eyes,

I'm starting to get weirder,

I'm starting to hallucinate things,

I'm starting to go insane,

I'm starting to hide my problems and face them alone,

I'm starting to avoid someone's gaze,

I'm starting to get awkward when talking to someone and I will only reply them laughs,

I'm starting to just write down my feelings and emotions,

I'm starting to be very low-tempered,

I'm starting to see loneliness in my eyes while smiling,

I'm starting to become a stranger to myself,

I'm starting to burn down my future,

I'm starting to let go of my dreams,

I'm starting to kill myself,

And I'm starting to commit suicide.

These things that are starting to happen are the things that I don't know how to end,

I don't know how to prevent,

And I don't know how and why they started.

Being locked in what-so-called depression is hard,

It makes me try doing sins.

I tried to drown myself in a pool,

I tried to poison myself,

I tried to jump in a two-storey house,

And recently, I tried to slit my pulse using a knife.

I tried, but I failed.

I tried to kill myself for at least four times,

And I don't know if I can still stop myself for doing so.

I don't think I can still live any longer.

I know I've been suffering from depression, and it's not completely gone.

It's just getting worse.

And when I finally decided to end my life completely,

Do not say that you were a good friend to me,

Because I didn't even saw you on those times that I am down,

On those times that I need someone beside me to cry on.

———

"Depressed people do not kill their lives, they kill the pain."

Sabi nila, "Masosolusyonan ba 'yang problema mo kapag nagpakamatay ka?". Napaisip ako. Alam ko, alam kong hindi 'to masosolusyonan. Pero at least hindi na madadagdagan 'diba?

"Death is a delightful hiding place for weary men."

"Everything that is too stupid to be spoken is written."