Inner Demons

CHAPTER VIII

"There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told." - Edgar Allan Poe

I had never genuinely felt close to anyone.

My parents, lovely people that they were, hated me. They hated how different I was from all the other children. They hated how I looked; they both had dark hair and brown eyes, and I had bright white hair and silver eyes. I was an oddity, made for awkward stares from strangers. Hushed whispers. Laughter as I passed by.

I can remember the one time my mother held my hand. I walked out to cross the street and she snatched my hand, pulling me back to the curb. I had almost been hit by a semi truck. She screamed at me and took me home, my small hand held tight within her own. I was five years old.

"Stay quiet and don't embarrass me," she would say, embedding the phrase into my brain.

Stay quiet.

Don't be an embarrassment.

It took me years to convince my mother to allow me to go to public school. I had been home schooled up until that point, and I so desperately wanted a chance to make friends. When I did finally get the chance to go, my first day played out a lot differently than I had expected.

I walked in to the fifth grade classroom, my eyes full of light and excitement for the first time in my life. My backpack was empty besides a pencil and an eraser, but that didn't matter to me; I was finally  in school.

I had my light brown hair in two braids on the sides of my head, my blue sneakers were double knotted, and I had colored my fingernails with a sharpie. I had found it in my father's desk drawer, hidden amongst messy piles of papers. Looking back on it, I'm surprised my mother hadn't said anything about my nails when she dropped me off that morning.

I was excited, and had known that it showed. I didn't care.

"Class, I need everyone's attention!" the teacher had shouted, her long, thin hand gripping my shoulder. "This is Josephine. She will be joining us so I would like you all to make her feel welcome."

I looked under my lashes around the room. Twenty pairs of uninterested eyes stared back at me, eyeing the "new girl". I tugged on the teacher's sleeve, motioning for her to lean down so I could whisper in her ear.

The teacher, whose name I no longer remember, stood back up to address the class once more.

"Alright once again class, settle down. Miss Josephine would like to be called Effie. So I expect you all to respect her wishes. Am I understood?"

The rest of the class rang out with a monotone "Understood."

She pointed towards the back left of the classroom, where the only empty seat sat. I slowly made my way back, my sneakers squeaking slightly. I could feel my classmates eyes on me, and so I kept my eyes trained on the tile floor below me. I sat down at my desk and took out my pencil and eraser from my backpack. I was still somewhat excited about this new opportunity in my life, though a bit scared. I smiled to myself and repeated the mantra I had been taught my entire life.

Stay quiet.

Don't be an embarrassment.

Stay quiet.

*****

"Bash, I'm not a fan of drama; you know that. What do you know about Sam?" 

He looked away from me, shielding his eyes from mine. I instantly became alert, knowing it was a bad sign when he couldn't look me in the eyes. I had known him long enough to recognize his apprehension.