aeipathy | one shot collection

physical appearances

"Do you ever..." I start but stop, casting my eyes downward and sighing absent-mindedly. Willow's eyes flick up to me in curiosity.

"What?"

"Do you ever think about life... like, how it isn't?" I shrug, spinning my spoon around in my coffee cup.

She places her glass on the table away from her, replacing her palms on her lap. "I'm not sure I understand what you mean."

"I might not make sense, but I think about how things could have been all the time. I guess it's because I dwell on things I shouldn't... the past..." I glance up and notice Willow is eyeing me. I clear my throat. "I mean, have you ever thought about what would have happened if we never met?"

She shifts to face me, sighing. "Aubree -"

I lift my palm. "Humor me."

Willow leans into the back of the chair and crunches her face in thought.

"Well, we wouldn't have Marie, obviously," she offers, meeting my gaze.

"I know that. I meant for us. Do you think you would be with a man?"

"Oh." Willow blinks. "I'm honestly not sure."

I nod.

"Why do you ask?" She inquires, stretching out her hand and resting it on my knee.

I imagine her hand resting on a man's knee, someone's who isn't mine; wrapping her fingers around their strong arms. Letting her body be enveloped by a large, strong body that doesn't belong to me.

I've never made any of these thoughts known before. Maybe because I don't even know what I'm thinking. I don't feel like these thoughts are valid, or if they even mean anything.

"I'm not 100% sure about that. It's a lot, but I don't know where to go with my mind."

Her fingers squeeze lightly around my leg.

"Just pretend I'm not here and talk. I'll try to understand."

I exhale heavily and close my eyes. "Okay. I feel like I'm not really who I'm supposed to be. I don't really know what I mean by that, but I don't feel right within myself if that makes sense. I always have this longing for being physically different; not wanting to lose weight or gain it, or anything I can actually fix. I mean... sometimes - a lot of the time - I want to be more masculine."

I open my eyes and notice my heart is pounding heavily in my ears. I'm finally getting these thoughts out into the air. I find Willow's eyes and she nods, encouraging me to go on. I keep her gaze.

"Sometimes... sometimes I want to be a man."

We look at each other for a moment, worry starting to sink into my bones. I start to breathe heavily with my mouth. When I feel she's going to reject me, she nods again and takes my hand in hers.

"You've hidden this from me for a long time."

It wasn't a question, but I felt the need to answer.

"Y-yeah."

"You know you never have to hide anything from me. Especially this. Your thoughts make sense and they are valid."

Willow moves from her chair across from me, sitting next to me. She coaxes my head onto her shoulder.

"Don't think you have to figure these things out for yourself. I will always accept you, no matter what you feel. You don't need a label if you don't want one; just tell me what you want to be addressed with, what you want, anything. I'll always be here for you and love you for you, okay? No matter what you look like or what your gender is."

A tear fights through my eyelashes and Willow wipes it away gingerly with the pad of her thumb. I sniff loudly, gripping the strings of her hoodie tightly, as if it were my lifeline.

"Thank you," I gasp, trying to calm the hiccups starting to escape out of my mouth.

Willow starts to rub my back, running her fingers through my long hair. My eyes start to droop and my sniffles start to go away. I feel Willow's fingers under my chin; I look at her.

"I'm always here for you. I know you always take care of me. Now it's my turn to take care of you, okay? You're safe with me. Sleep," she murmurs, resting my head into her chest again. She kisses my hair, squeezing me gently.

"I love you, honey," Willow whispers into my ear.

"I love you."