Any Person's Guide To Surviving The Real World

A Mother's Guide To Fairness

Shawn

Family is extremely important to me and my family.

But every family has their bumps and obstacles. Lately we've been going up some big hills with some deals about fairness, the hill was so steep that my Grandma May had to send a letter to me and all my cousins about her thoughts on this topic. So I've decided to share this letter with all of you.

A Message From Me On Mothers Day

Since Mothers Day is here, it seems like an appropriate time to share some thoughts and clear up some issues that have been on my mind for a while.

My feelings and love for each and everyone of you are the same no matter how often we see, speak, or interact with each other. You are my family and there's nothing greater than the feelings that I have for my family.

However, that does not mean that you will all be treated equally by me by any measure that you can name- time spent, presence, giving your holiday money, etc. For me, fair does not mean equal. I do not feel that everyone should be treated equally, so you shouldn't expect that whenever I do something for one of you, that I will automatically do the same for all of you. As an example, there are many instances I feel that the younger kids do not deserve, or have not earned the right, to do (or get) some of the things the older kids have gotten.

Another example would be when we go out to eat and everyone is offered an ice cream, if some of you do not choose to have one-that does not mean that I should give you money in place of that ice cream that you missed. The offer was fair to everyone who attended, but you are not accorded special treatment because you chose not to have any of the treats.

This also applies to party attendance. If you choose not to attend a party, you should know that non-attendance does not mean that you were given the same party gifts that the attendees received. You made the choice to not attend, and that is one of the consequences of that choice.

It has been brought to my attention that there have been "fairness" issues brought up concerning inequities between how much time is spent with some of you. Except for events (like holidays and birthdays), the family members who come over usually asked me, a week ahead of time, if it was okay to come over for the day. I have not done the inviting, nor do I feel that "to be fair" I should invite others to come over, too. To me, it is an individual thing- if you (and your family) have the time, and want to visit- then great, come on by (with prior notice)! But if you choose not to, that is your choice- it is not because you are not welcome.

Many times in our lives some people need more help than others, or there are times when people need different types of help. But there are times when we all need some form of help. This can be buying things that you need, talking about situations where you need support, lending a hand for physical support, and even financial support when you need money. 

This is why you should not equate how much a person cares for you by how many things they buy you. An example would be if one of you enjoys photography and needs a camera, I may buy one for that person- but there is no need for me "to be fair" and buy a camera for everyone so that they can have their own camera, nor should I give everyone the equivalent money value of a camera. Likewise, if I see that one of you has a whole closet full of slippers, I will not be buying slippers for that person, but may buy a pair for someone who needs slippers. 

These are the things that Moms do- from the day you were born- they help you get up when you fall down and help you continue on with what you are doing. I have always felt that in the long run, everyone gets the support they need from me, and all of the support that I have given eventually evens out amongst all of you. And, as I see it, if it is not even, that is just the way life is for our family. This does not mean that I have helped all of you individually; I may have helped your family with something that helped you live a better life. We all make mistakes, but we do the best we can with what we know. 

That is just the way life is for all of us, nothing is owed to you, but you owe a lot to others.

Love,

Grandma May