Still Into You

Thirty-four

{Sandra}

"I'm going to miss you," my mom says as she hugs me tightly.

Today's the day I'm leaving Columbus for Oxford, like I always wanted. But now that it's here, I'm starting to doubt what I wanted right from the start.

I wanted to leave Columbus because the ghost of Luke here is everywhere, but that was before I talked to him about what went wrong with us. Now, I'm just not sure.

I want to stay here with Luke and live happily ever after or something like that, but that is something that's unattainable. He has Carly to deal with, and if that baby is his and I stay, that's another problem. And I have Justin. I accepted his affections for me because I thought that I was done with Luke when I obviously wasn't. My life is as messy as my room.

But for the sake of Justin, I'm leaving. For the sake of everybody that has been dragged into the mess Luke and I made, I'm leaving. For Luke, I'm leaving. I'm doing this for everybody but myself. I think this is the only time that I've been selfless in my entire eighteen years of existence.

"Mom, don't be silly. It's a two-hour drive," I remind her, chuckling. "Plus, you've got Jerry!" It's true. I'm not sure if their official yet but mom is obviously swept off her feet by that man. And I'm okay with him being my new dad, he's cool and he makes my mom happy, which is the only thing that matters to me.

"Yeah, but Jerry isn't despondent. I'll miss you being stubborn," she says and breaks away from the hug.

"Hey, I'm not despondent," I say, fixing my backpack on my shoulder. "And I'm most definitely not stubborn."

"Keep telling yourself that," she laughs.

"Um, Sandra?" Justin calls out from behind us. I turn around, and I see him holding a very familiar black notebook. My Luke notebook. "I was just double-checking your room and I found this in one of the drawers. Do you want to bring it?"

Do I? Another decision yet to be made. It's a small decision, but a decision nonetheless. And it's about Luke. Well, Luke doesn't have an idea that I have it, so I guess it's about me. Do I? I ask myself again. Since I'm doing this for everybody to be happy but myself, I think I deserve to keep a token of Luke even just one. I know that when I settle to the apartment that Justin got for me there I'll forget about it eventually, but that's still a long way to come. I'll hold onto it, I finally decide.

"Yeah, thanks," I take the notebook from Justin's hands. He hasn't read, has he? God, it would be so embarrassing if he did, and I said that I wanted to bring it with me. I sure hope he hasn't. I'm not even religious, but please God/gods, whatever, I hope Justin hasn't read it.

I look at my wrist watch. "It's almost 9, are we going to leave soon?" I ask.

"Yeah, just a few more boxes," Justin answers.

I want to leave now before I change my mind.

-

{Luke}

I'm running as fast I can in our neighbourhood now enveloped in darkness, only the few streetlights are keeping me from tripping over.

I need to get to Sandra, I think. I fucking need to get to her.

My house is fairly far away from hers, and I thank my parents for making me tall because if I had short legs I'd probably never get to her in time.

I pass by my old school, and I immediately think that there's only a few blocks left. I can make it. I run faster even though I'm nearly out of breath. I don't care if I pass out, if I prevent Sandra from leaving, I can die in peace.

I can make something out of Sandra's house now. I see a guy carrying a box and loading it in the car. Justin, my subconscious tells me. The guy Sandra was with when we ran into each other in Hawaii. I see Sandra and her mom hugging... And then Sandra gets in the car. Sandra's in the car!

I urged my legs to take longer strides and faster movement. Can I make it? I start to doubt myself. But there's no room for that. I need this because I need her.

Justin then hugs Sandra's mom and gets in the car too. Shit.

I panic, and I trip. Double shit. I stand up immediately and after a few painful steps, I'm in front of Sandra's mom, but the car is only a speck from my sight.

"Luke!" Her mom exclaims, obviously not expecting a six-foot blonde guy running through the neighbourhood at 9 o'clock in the evening. She probably thinks I'm a psycho. "What are you doing here?"

I catch my breath before answering. "It doesn't matter anymore. I didn't make it."

-

{Sandra}

Luke Robert Hemmings! I scream in my head as I see him talking to my mom through the side mirror. He actually went after me. Almost, but not quite.

I wanted to tell Justin to stop the car and then I'll get out of it hastily and run back to Luke and hug him tightly, and I'd tell him I'll stay, and we'll kiss, but this is no Disney movie.

Instead I watch painfully as the reflection of the six-foot blonde guy whom I love most in the world next to my mom turn smaller and smaller until it's non-existent. I inwardly sigh.

This is a good thing, I say to myself. It's a good thing that Luke didn't make it because I probably would've changed my mind and I'll be unfair to Justin yet again. He's done so much for me, and I don't want to add something to the long list of things that I owe him.

"Is everything okay?" He asks me. My tenseness must be radiating through the car, or maybe it's just that obvious.

I sigh, and mustered my most convincing voice. "Yes."

-

My knees are freezing. I immediately open my eyes and see a road stretched in the darkness. Oh, that's right. We're on our way to Oxford. Now I remember.

I have fallen asleep and now I have to redo my hair. Not that anyone important would see it especially now that it's 10PM, and-shit! It's already ten. I've slept for almost an hour.

"Are we there yet?" I ask Justin.

"One more hour," he replies. "Do you want to pullover to pee or something?"

"No, but we can pullover so that you can rest. I can drive," I offer. I wanted to do something and my butt is aching from the shotgun seat. At least when I'm driving my hands and feet can do something.

"No," he smiles kindly at me. "It's just one more hour, and I'm not tired."

"You're just saying that," I say and I yawn. Justin chuckles.

"See, you're the one who's tired," he points out.

"No, I'm not," I counter. I open my backpack and search for the black notebook that has been my confidant in the past months that I've been going crazy.

I know that I'm not supposed to re-read my past entries, but what the hell. I'm probably never seeing Luke again anyway, so what's the point? I read and digest every single word that I have written with raw emotion. I smile at the stupid entries that has nothing to do with Luke, but I wanted to write down.

"Maybe I'm kind of tired of my life," I admit to Justin after he doesn't respond to me.

And maybe God or the gods or whatever heard what I just said about me being tired of my life because right on cue, as we cross an intersection, an 18-wheeler truck comes out of nowhere.

Déjà vu.