Never Got To Say Goodbye

Chapter 19

Cemantha's P.O.V:
It was the day of the viewing. I didn't feel like getting up but Paige (Jake's mom) called me and asked me to come. She knew what he did and she said sorry even though she wasn't the one I wanted to hear it from. She also asked me to say a speech you know in front of everybody. I hated speaking in front of people and especially people I know. I didn't want to embarrass myself or Jake or Paige or Mikey. Speaking of him, I also asked him not to come he didn't take it that well but he eventually understood.
As for me, honestly I'm an emotional and physical wreak. That's why Mikey didn't want me to go myself but I told him I'd be fine and maybe I'd pick up some doughnuts at Dunkin Doughnuts on the way home. I think that's what made him say yes but either way. You're probably wondering why I don't want him coming and honestly a part of me is too. I have reasons but I just couldn't tell him I mean I don't want him to know that one of the reasons I don't want him to go is because I know that if I say somethings in my speech, he will get jealous and maybe storm out and get mad and I don't want that. I don't want to embarrass myself and I don't want to cry in front of him anymore and I don't want to see his hurt eyes when I do.
I've been crying a lot lately well since I found out. I've been so depressed and I've probably ate maybe 5 meals in the two last weeks. I know that's not good but I'm just done with feeling like this it's like a throwback to when Bryce and Mikey broke my heart and I started cutting and when my baby died. If you've never felt this way try going to school or work or something and hold ur breath, don't talk to anyone but yourself, your just listening and watching everyone around you and you stuck with yourself and with your thoughts that are eating your soul, your mind, your heart, your everything. It's like all the darkness in your mind and life come alive and are taking over you and your mind and your all alone stuck in your dark dark life. It's like your drowning and everything and everyone around you aren't doing anything they're stuck in their own little worlds not caring at all. That's what depression is like. I just hope I snap out of it soon I can't deal with everyone's pity towards me.

It's now 8:30 and I need to get ready. The viewing is at 10 o'clock and the actual funeral is at noon then a light lunch at 2 and then the burial is at 4:30. It's going to take all day but I don't want to not go. I called Makenna so she is going to come with me so I'm not all alone but we're driving separately because she needs to leave for a family dinner at 3. I thought and thought about what I was going to wear and I ended up picking out a strapless black dress (the one above) I figured just wear matching black shoes something not too showy nor too elegant. Mikey wasn't awake when I got up to get dressed but I think now he is. He must have smelled the chocolate chip pancakes I'm making him. I know I know what a cliché girlfriend I am but I wanted to be nice.

I heard the thumping of footsteps coming down the spiral staircase.
"Do I smell pancakes?"

"Oh I thought you were Mikey, I'm sorry Amy (Mikey's mom)."

"That's fine dear. That dress is ravishing."

"Why thank you. Um, is Mikey up yet." I tried to avoid the topic of the funeral as much as I could.

"No he's out cold."

"Ok,"I laughed a little and looked at the clock it was now 9 o'clock I have to leave no later than 9:15, "I must be going soon."

"Ah me too I have to work in a little. So I am going to take one of these,"she grabbed one of the pancakes, "and I'll be on my way."

"Take as many as you want I'm sure he won't eat many."

"You're hilarious Cemantha."

"As are you."

"Okay you can stop talking to me like that sweetie. We are family."
I smiled at that. Family. Finally someone who knows what I need. I didn't say anything else I left it at that. She left around 5 minuets later. I got the idea to write Mikey a note so I wasn't leaving without saying goodbye.