Collection of One Shot's

Words are weapons

If you haven’t already you may want to read Chasing the Dragon before reading this one shot as it is a continuation of that story. This one however is from Tom’s POV (apparently I like the name Tom I seem to use it a lot :P)

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Dear Matt

I shouldn’t have left you that day, I love you and I should have forced you to put that shit down. I should have grabbed your hands and linked them with mine or smashed my lips against yours in a passionate craze.

I know we met under difficult circumstances you had been to rehab for your substance abuse but we made a promise to love each other. You promised to quit, you gave me your word and I believed you but when it came to the crunch, I let you down.

I was a paranoid wreck so bad in fact that you would think that I had been taking those drugs not you. I need you to know that I did all of that because I love you, I questioned you because I love you. I didn’t want you to think that I didn’t trust you, I swear that I did but I needed to convince myself that you were ok.

I was convinced you would leave me for the drugs that you would hurt yourself and I wouldn’t be able to help you, so I accused you because it was easier to believe you would tell me the truth. God I love you and I miss you so badly I wish that I could take back all of the things I said to you. I wish that I had trusted you to take care of yourself like you had trusted me to love you, despite what you were going through.

The things I said to you were unforgivable but you must have been able to see how much I loved you and when I walked away from you that day did you not hear my heart breaking?

In the beginning we were perfect I couldn’t get enough of you. Do you remember the time that I rang in sick for two weeks at work because I just wanted to snuggle with you all day in bed? Or the time that you fell over on the ice and brought me with you and we just lay there kissing and everyone was laughing at us?

People told us we were moving too fast didn’t they, that moving in together after just six months was ridiculous. We didn’t care though we loved each other enough and we wanted to prove to them that we would make it. We did it too for two years we held on to each other through the good and the bad times, your parents never did forgive you but you told me it didn’t matter you had me instead.

Paying for that rehab was the best thing I ever did because it made you a cleaner stronger person and you kept your promises to me. I am so sorry that I didn’t believe you Matt I was just so worried about you that the fear just never left me.

When we bought that house I was so proud that we had come that far and you had finally managed to get back on your feet. You found yourself a job and you would treat me to nights out or buy me presents all of the time do you remember?

Then after delicious meals or long walks we would fall into each other’s arms in bed and you would make love to me and god I never wanted you to stop. Every inch of you made my body tremble, your strong arms and soft lips touching mine. You were still pretty skinny for a long time, it just seemed to take forever for you to start gaining weight again.

I didn’t care though it wasn’t like you were fragile, you didn’t half throw me about sometimes in that bedroom but I loved every minute of it. Each time you worked me so that I was a writhing mess beneath you and when you finally made me come I could see only you, nothing else mattered to me.

I pushed you into succeeding I thought if you were working, even if it was just decorating our home you wouldn’t have time to slip back into your old ways. I was right wasn’t I you loved me enough to stick to that promise and you built us a home bit by bit. Everything you did was for me to make me love you more, to make me comfortable in our home and I did love you more every day.

Then about a year and a half after we had bought the house you began to lose weight again and that was all it took for my paranoia to creep back in. I started to accuse you of doing drugs behind my back, told you that you never really loved me because you were lying to me.

I begged you to stop, I reminded you that you had promised me, swore to me that this would never happened again and yet I could see you changing before my eyes… or so I thought. I never paused to listen to you, never gave you a minute to explain that you weren’t hurting me.

I just screamed at you, begging you to stop because I loved you so, so much.

I should have known there would be another reason behind it, I should have known you would never hurt me. You loved me and you told me every day, every minute and I couldn’t, wouldn’t believe you. I used words to drive you to the very thing that I had spent weeks accusing you of and you finally had nothing else to turn to but the past that you had fought to escape.

I drove you back to that… me. I was the person who was supposed to save you and love you but I failed and I drove you back to the pitiful person you were when we met. It was all my fault and now I know you will never be able to forgive me for that.

I know apologies are useless and it is too late for them but Matt I need you to know how sorry I am. I need you to understand how much I love you and how much I want you back with me drugs or no drugs. I visit you and you have a nice place here but I want you back home with me and that can never happen.

I walked out on you that day and you continued to take those drugs, continued to get high to forget everything that I had said to you. I used my words like weapons and I struck you deep and purposeful and I hurt you. I wanted you to see reason and stop I didn’t think my words would cause you to continue on your downward spiral.

You stopped once for me I was convinced you would do it again. I wasn’t trying to be the damsel in distress, I never expected you to come running after me. I just thought by the time I got home you would have stopped, threw it away and would be waiting for me so we could apologise and move on.

I came home and you were waiting for me, you had kept that last breath in you just for me. When you whispered that you loved me my body broke down and I screamed back that I loved you too. It was too late though and it was never enough, you left me like I knew you would and the drugs took you like I knew they would.

So I come and I visit you at your new place, the grave yard overlooks the park so you have a nice view. Your stone is simple and to the point, your parents never came so I decided what to write on it. You were mine and I love you so I wanted the whole world to know that, so your stone tells them all that you are loved.  

I need to go now baby but I will be back next week like I promised. One more thing before I go Matt I am so sorry that I did this to you but I need you to remember that I won’t leave you again and I will always love you. They tell me to move on and that you wouldn’t be disappointed in me but I tell them to leave me alone, I left you once and because of that I will never see you again.

Never again will I get to hold you or kiss you but I will forever be able to come and tell you that I love you and that I am so very sorry.

I miss you

Tom xx 

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Depressing I know but I felt I needed it so this one is for me sorry. Based on the lyrics to turn back time by Cher.

There are only two one shots left before I close this down peeps so I will try and keep them a bit more upbeat lol.