| SEA

cinq.

i don't know, is it a sea, is it a desert, is it hope, is it despair?

hoseok woke up in the middle of the night once again, watching seokjin rest peacefully aside him, the younger sighed and looked up at the ceiling before carefully rolling out of bed and as his feet hit the floor he felt a ping in his chest, he hurried to the bathroom and closed the door after himself, as he looked at himself in the mirror he became overwhelmed with emotions and he began to cry, he covered his face and sobbed into his hands. he didn't know what happened, but he was so tired. so done. so useless..

he looked at himself in the mirror before his eyes trailed down to the reflection of his clean wrist, he never had thoughts of self harm, but he heard of people doing it as a coping mechanism, did it work? would he feel somewhat relieved after it's done? hoseok just wanted comfort, seokjin was always there, he appreciated him dearly and he was trying so hard, but hoseok still felt alone, what more could be done?

he lifted his arm up and caressed his skin, his hands shaky as his vision became blurred from the tears, "stop." he whispered to himself. he wanted to get better, he truly did, but the thoughts always haunted him. kill yourself you worthless piece of shit. they said, do it again. hoseok began crying so hard that he fell to the toilet, gagging over it, clenching it's sides as he threw up. he pushed himself away as he fell
onto his back, crying silently as he lied on the cold bathroom floor.

hoseok was unable to move being far to weak to, curling up in fetal position before unwillingly closing his eyes and falling asleep there on the bathroom floor.

🌊

"hoseok!?" seokjin called out worriedly, he looked around his room before walking into his in suite bathroom seeing the younger holding himself with a pained expression fast asleep, "shit, wake up, hoseok." he said, gently shaking the boy who's eyes shot open widely, gripping his arm deathly tight, his breathing was heavy before he looked around confusingly, "what's wrong?"

hoseok pushed seokjin away before leaning over the toilet once again, he felt woozy and uneasy, he gagged but there was nothing that came out. seokjin stood behind him worriedly before carefully picking the younger up, "what happened?"

hoseok just shook his head, thumb grazing over his wrist, seokjin quickly lifted it up and sighed out of relief that there was nothing, "i-i can't, i—" the blond shook his head frantically before shutting his eyes tightly, "i can't be here, i shouldn't be here."

"what?"

"seokjin, please just let me.." hoseok broke free from his grip and tugged at his hair, "i can't do this," he cried, genuinely terrified for his outcome, terrified of his future, seokjin probably thought he was crazy, "don't touch me!" he shouted as the elder drew closer to him.

"let me help you," seokjin said calmly, "it's only fair, you help me a lot, even with the stupidest of things, this is beyond that. please, i can't watch you like this. i cant sit here and.." he took a deep breath, blinking away his oncoming tears, "and watch you beat yourself up."

hoseok felt like everything was caving in on him, "it won't go away, hyung," he said, holding himself as he slid down the wall, dropping to his knees, "no matter how hard i try it won't go away. what else is there for me to do? suffer?"

"what won't go away?" seokjin asked softly, keeping his respectful distance from the male, hoseok wiped his face and sighed shakily.

"these harmful thoughts, the same thoughts that drove me to attempt suicide, the same thoughts that tell me i'm nothing and never will be, the same thoughts that.. that i prove right everytime." hoseok said, staring off down to his lap, he's never felt so weak and so low in his life. why can't this just be over? why did he let this happen? why are they letting this happen?

"hoseok, i'm sorry, i wish i knew what to do, i wish there was some way i could magically stop all of this and make you feel better, your happiness is so important to me right now and i want nothing more than you being so happy that you can't stop smiling." seokjin said, sitting in front of the blond.

"seokjin, i don't think i'm capable of being helped," hoseok mumbled, "no matter what, it's never enough."

"did you make your list?" asked seokjin, in hopes to lighten the situation though it was far too dark and too deep, he still wanted to show hoseok he was worth more than he thought he was, that he was capable of achieving happiness. hoseok only rolled his eyes to the question as if he was on board with it the day before, "what?"

"i don't want to hear about the stupid fucking list, it won't do anything for me, the thought that it did was stupid." hoseok said, seokjin couldn't tell if it was the emotions talking or if hoseok really felt that way, he stare was cold and uninviting. seokjin felt intimidated.

"i thought you liked it."

hoseok stood up and shook his head, "you thought wrong, hyung, it was useless anyway."

seokjin stood up quickly, following hoseok at the room, "useless? are you kidding me? hoseok, the list is for you, it's to make you happy!"

hoseok turned around abruptly and pushed seokjin away, "yes! useless! useless like your fucking advice! nothing makes me happy anymore, seokjin, alright!? stop trying!" hoseok shouted in the elder's face. seokjin couldn't process the situation completely, he fought with hoseok and now he's leaving.

the elder was stuck in his spot and he could call out to him, it felt like he was frozen, he failed hoseok and he failed himself, he thought. seokjin just wanted the younger to be happy, if he can't even return the favor then why was he even trying, he couldn't do anything right, could he? he wanted happiness for hoseok, he wanted to see his smile, hear his laugh. he kept getting pushed away everytime he tried.

maybe for his own good.