June 6 story line from Michaels P.O.V.
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I had been thinking too much. Mostly about that journal I saw in Ashton's nightstand. It was literally eating me alive. I need to know but I shouldn't look. It's honestly like nothing. He wouldn't know.
I walked into his room and opened the drawer and took the journal and brought it back in my room. I sat on my bed and locked the door. Just incase Ash came in. I opened to page one.
May 1st 2013
Michael, my therapist said its a good idea to write to who I love. And I chose you because I do love you. Although you would never like me back
-Ash xx
I smiled and then screamed in my mind. He feels the same? He thinks I don't like him though? That made me frown. And now that I know what this is for, I will keep reading. I mean it IS directed to me. I turned the page.
May 3, 2013
Today we watched your favorite movie and played your favorite games with pizza. I though I was doing so well. I couldn't help the addictions and I puked up that pizza. And relapsed. I don't like my addictions.
I frowned. That was before he told me. I turned the page again.
May 4th
People on twitter told me to cut because I was trash. I didn't tell you and I did what they said. I didn't tell you because I was scared Michael that you would ask if I ever did cut.
I wish I had asked.
May 7,
Today some people on twitter called me fat. You walked into my room and told me how I wasn't and hugged me. It made me feel a bit more wanted.
Thank you Michael
You're so wanted.
May 10
This was supposed to get me to feel better, but in all honesty I feel worse. It helps a bit but it doesnt help I cant ever tell you the problem. You would begin to hate me. I'm not ready for that Michael. Why would you like me back? I'm so fat and ugly. I cut myself and starve. And if I do eat I purge it. I'm sorry I'm not your ideal person.
You're imperfectly perfect Ashton. You're my ideal person.
May 12
Today I relapsed and you stared at my long sleeves. Mostly because it was a hot day. And all I did was wear long sleeves. I hope you didn't think anything. I told you that I was cold but you didn't believe me. I wish you'd believe me Michael.
I'm happy I didn't believe you.
May 16,
Today Michael you found me in the bathroom crying. You held me close and it made me feel so much better. You told me how everything would be okay. I told you about my self harm and you told me some cute things and made me feel better, but then bad because I dont deserve that love. I know it was only a friendly thing. Not like you would like me. We even cuddled on the couch but I knew you thought it was just friends. I really really like you Michael. Why wont you like me back? Is it because I'm imperfect? Probably. I try so hard to loose weight to be perfect for you.
You're already perfect and it wasn't a friendly thing. I really like you Ashton.
May 20,
I don't know if I can do it anymore Michael.
I frowned and tears reached the corners of my eyes.
May 26,
I'm planning to kill myself quite soon. I set the date for May 30. I'm so sorry.
I felt tears stream down, but I ignored them.
May 27,
Today we had a lazy day together while Calum and Luke were song writing. It felt amazing. But I will feel guilty when I dont see you again in 3 days.
Ash...
May 30,
You just kissed me and hugged me as I said I was going to bed. I'm really going to miss you Michael. Please don't be the one to find me. I wouldn't want you to find me. I love you so much Michael. Please, never forget that.
Love, Ash xx
Ashton! I screamed and started crying. I'm so happy to be home alone right now. I thought of that night. He was gonna leave me forever. I wiped tears and turned the page.
June 2,
I got out of the hospital yesterday. You told Luke and Calum that I fell. I'm happy you did. I didn't want pity from them. I don't want it from you either though. You make sure I eat enough now because the doctor scanned me with anorexia and bulimia. You don't even let me sleep alone. You always make me cuddle into your side and it's been comforting. At the hospital you even laid in my bed with me. I love you so much Michael. But you never love me back.
But I do. I love you Ashton Irwin.
June 3,
Today we went out to the beach and you had your arms around me the whole time. You told me that there was no way you would let anyone hurt me again. It made me feel special. Thank you Michael.
Nobody will hurt you Ashton. I won't allow it.
June 5,
Yesterday or today I think you found my book Michael. It was moved and looked as if it had been opened. Please tell me you aren't reading these. Michael you'll think disgustingly of me. You'll know how desperate I am for you to love me like I love you. You don't need to know that. You'll know how pathetic I truly am.
You are perfect Ashton...
I grabbed a pen and wrote something.
June 6,
I am so beautifully perfect. I love myself so much.
And I put the book back and thought of ways to do something...
