In Ones Good Graces

•12•

Never did I detect myself in the future standing in a middle of a cemetery, watching as someone'd be sunken into the ground.

Once more.

Standing in my black dress, black stilettos and gloves, only defies how I truly feel inside. Caliginosity, is the only thing that sparks within me. Tears don't seem to be descending from my eyelids. Numbness glistens deep within. Broken, then healed wounds from the past, now reopened with the experience of watching some disappear for good, right in front of my eyes. Dirt sealing the deep hole for someones dear life, to now barricade from the life above, to the ground beneath our feet.

With a single rose in my hand, I tighten my hold on it even stronger. It's a surprise it hasn't already snapped apart. I place it on top of the grave along with the others and that's when the first tear slips. It's final. He's gone for good. I never had the time to get to talk to him furthermore. So insufficient time. Didn't even get to listen him play the piano. Something he should at least have the chance to do at least before his life was taken away. There was so much to him. But now he is up in heaven, with his son and daughter in law. A smile crosses my lips, but leaves as soon as it comes. I'm blinded by reality. Can't welcome the future with open arms. Because wherever I go, someone always ends up disappearing. I guess that's what tears me up, though I truly don't know George that well to cry. It's the guilt. It feels like I am the reason, though I know I'm not, but still.

An hour later after being at the graveyard, we're at home at Grandy's. I found the big crowd too overwhelming, that I decided to walk to that one place that really means something. Ensuingly trudging on gravel road, now standing in front of the lake, the place where we opened up for one another and how we raveled in our weakness. I stand deep in thought and remembering back at that memory. I take off my stilettos and sit at the edge of the pier. My feet dangling and slightly touching the water from below, watching my reflection in a blur.

The peace calms my nerves. Making me fall at ease. The sounds of birds singing their beautiful lullabies and the sound of wind filtering through the trees, as warmth fulfills my body with peace. I close my eyes and slunk my shoulders. This is all too surreal. Memories starts to have a theatrical play in my mind. Bringing a smile on my face, as tears they run down my cheeks. The sun shines pridefully. The warmth that exceeds deep within, sending such an overwhelming feeling sizzling inside. I open my eyes and see the paradise before me. I lay down with my feet still dangling, spreading my arms and letting the sun heat my skin.

It's odd, how I can go from being sad to happy, cherishing this very moment.

I know I've been here for a while and so I decide walking back to the luncheon. Although I don't feel comfortable in eating and pretend to be okay and have a good time, when in reality you just wish for that person to come back to life. I see kids running around and playing catch and catch. Parents and adults conversing with each other, most probably sharing the good memories they had with George.

I on the other hand grab a plate of whatever they serve and sit by a table alone, away from the people and instead stare out to the deep and darkest forest, wondering what may hide in there.

My fantasizing quickly comes to an end, as the sound of someone clearing their throat pulls me out of my reverie. I turn around and face no other than Ryder himself.

I don't understand him, one second he is around me in some way and the next he ignores me and despises me to the point as if I'm the plaque itself.

I face the woods again, avoiding his few glances up from his plate to stare at me with his euphoric green thicket eyes, that basically with one single look, even a glance, has me hypnotized.