The Blue Book

The fourteenth chapter. To guard a throne-room.

We frequently visited the estate despite the difficulties in getting there. In order to visit my new friend we had to walk six miles, across moors and the sides of cliffs, including jumping across a small gap where the ground had been split in two. Lastly we had to cross a creek, walk for a bit more and then the man-made road of gravel began, leading us to Kol. 

Sometimes we didn't speak more than a handful of words, and when we did we talked about the most worldly and human things. Such as ice-cream, hiccups, revolution, laziness, self-preservation, morality, the alphabet, boredom, hunger, photographs, tea, money, criminality, school, forgetfulness, christmas, steam-engines, and scissors. When he finally invited me to his tree-fortress we didn't talk about anything. He sat in between my and Bookman's shoulders until he fell asleep on either one of us and Bookman carried him back in the house. I remember distinctly the remarkable warmth I felt when his heavy black-haired head fell on me after many days of not trusting me. Bookman was his safety-net and his entrusted, he always turned to him and mimicked his ways, though I swear I could distinct moments when he didn't reflect and out of impulse looked to me.

The first couple of times we went it had been arduous, I had no concept of how far it would be and was anxious to meet the boy. Now I almost longed for his small hand and precocious thinking. He really was lonely, he always stood by the gate next to a pen, waiting when he knew we were coming. Sometimes he sat down by the fence and spoke quietly with the beautiful heifer inside. I wondered what he said to the creature.

My wound had almost healed, Kol once pointed it out as an anomaly. I asked what that meant and he said it was something breaking a pattern or being out of place, and since my skin was otherwise perfectly scar-free it qualified as an anomaly.
'I bet you know all the words in english language by the time you're twenty.' I said.
'That's not possible, new words are always being made up. You should read more, Titania. You could express yourself better.'

Bookman was still worried about the shot, or rather that there would be another one. Whoever shot me, hated me, truly. They would want me dead. Me? I wasn't worried, they were clearly terrible at such hate-crimes and either way it wouldn't hurt. Apparently it's a  huge deal for everyone. So many  people spend so much time trying to minimise pain and suffering that they forget that the only way make it go away is to focus on something else. Pain dictates their lives almost as much as their fear of it.

'Blue? We should go, it'll be dark by the time we get back and I'm not jumping across that crack in pitch-darkness.'
Kol looked down and tugged on the grass, stood up and hugged Kit tightly.
'You don't have to come only because of me.' He said. 'You and Titania must have better things to do.'
'We really don't.' I smiled. 'What would that be? Playing, working, drinking? We have time to do that too. A day is long.'
'Kit has to work. You should get a job, too. I don't know, you must have friends to see, families.'
'You're my friend, aren't you?'
He nodded solemnly is his old way and moved almost undetectably a few inches closer. I hugged the boy tightly goodbye, my hand on the back of his head, released him and watched Bookman embrace him as well. 'We'll be back in three days.' Bookman said. 'Soon. In the meantime you can read all about Russian aristocracy during the war.'
'Bye, Kit. Be careful, Titania.'

***

'Titania?' Bookman said. How strange it sounded from his lips, but I couldn't say if I minded, or liked it.
'Yes?' I said and turned around to look at him walking behind me on the great cliff. Next to us, a hundred feet down, the strong, magnificent waves threw themselves, carelessly self- destructing on the rocks that shattered them into millions of white pearls. Then like a child doing something over and over, they joined the ocean to do it all again. The wind wasn't howling at us today, so we could talk to each other, which with each passing time got smoother and more rewarding. I had discovered that, like Kol, Bookman was smart. And not just from all the books. He pretended not to be, faked a dimness that you could presume in a craftsman, someone who knew how to do one thing well, but really didn't think beyond that skill. Never thinking of the ways of the world, never wondering or question just for questionings sake. I never trusted first impressions anymore being aware that craftsmen can sometimes be the wisest and wise people can sometimes be the dimmest.   People could never be fairly judged on the first glance, second, third or even fourth.
'Why Titania? Why does he call you that?' Bookman asked.
I thought about the first time Kol had made me smile, and the same smile spread on my mouth, but for some reason I didn't want Bookman to see it.
'Because I was shot.' I answered, hoping he wouldn't hear the grin in my voice.
'Yes. You were. And?'
'And I didn't die.' I said.
'No. You didn't.' He quieted. I could almost hear him thinking. 'Metal? Is that why? He thinks you're bulletproof?'
'Something like that.' I said.
'Terrific.'
'Why do you say it like that?' I asked and whirled around.
'He's a child. He's lost so much. Someone is after you, Blue.' His voice was strained and angry, something I'd only heard once, when we first met and I disliked it even more now than then. 'He thinks you can't die, but you're not indestructible, you're hardly immortal, you're a girl, who can, in fact leave us any given moment in case those madmen get to you, which isn't entirely impossible because you seem so damn calm about it all, I mean dear God above forbid you should actually take care!'
I'm sorry, what? What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Who's us? My death, however distant or eminent would effect nothing. Why should it? We're not family. Words. Form words, Blue, come on.
'Are you saying you won't share your last-name but still get to decide how I live or die?'
'My last- name has nothing to do with this. And no, maybe I have no right, why should I, I'm only your only friend in this world, but there's a little boy a few miles from here who, however damaged and reserved has decided to let you have a seat in his chest, which if you hadn't noticed is lacking a few people.' He gazed at me, his emotions pouring from his face. 'Kol's  trust is a throne-room and so long I have been the only member of his court. Now you are too, and your death would destroy that throne- room. Not to mention Charles, Monica, that man from the bar, James, the girls and anyone who might get to love you. You come from nothing, you have nothing left but deliberately or not you have nestled you way into my and my friends lives and you don't get to be so inconsiderate and just assume it's acceptable to die. We don't know you that well, but we would mourn you, of course we would. If you have no intention of living, then get the hell off this island, but my family are not going to wear black for someone who has no regard for life.'
I stood thunder-struck and looked at him intensely. A small wind tugged at my yellow clothing as if to say 'he's right, you know.'
'I want to live.' I finally said curtly. 'I won't break his ... throne-room. I won't make your family wear black. I won't make you mourn. I don't want to go.'
'I'm glad.' Was all he said and kept on walking, struggling against the incoming storm.

***

After that day, our talks were rarely one-sentenced or cut short because we didn't have anything to say. Our arguments and debates were loud and heated since apparently both of us were always right. We fought ferociously to defend our point and afterwards I got so irritated that I let out noises at the back of my throat I didn't even know I could make and he would make the most unforgiving grimaces as if I'd insulted his entire being. It took some time, he was always first to approach. I'm not sure he was aware of it, but eventually we sought the others company and the distance I so hated became unbearable. I grew so used to him that I forgot he was a kind stranger allowing me in his home. It felt like our habits and daily routines had been in place for much longer than we'd known each other. We ate, worked, visited the Bremners, read, drank, cleaned, went out, walked to Kol, ate and slept, him in his room and me sitting on the platform.
He sometimes suggested that we should seek out Scotland Yard and post an official message that I existed. I knew I had to leave eventually. Did he really want we gone so soon? I'd rather stay. Much rather. I could see myself  building a life here, granted I could also see myself never settling down anywhere. I told him no, that there would be no point, and that my case would have no amount of interest in any way for them.
'Can't we just wait?' I asked, biting down on a squishy piece of peach. 'For it all to come back? There has to be things I've lost, yes? Well, what has been lost can be retrieved, right?'
Okay, that was a flat out lie. There's been absolutely nothing which would lead me to believe I had had anything to loose. Be it origin, ancestry, possessions or friends. But now I did. I was actually terrified that 1)I'd lose what little I had procured so far, and 2) that it was the exact opposite of what I had told him, that the Scotland Yard would in fact find me very interesting and send me off to a madman who would examine the extent and cause of my amnesia. I found, to my great surprise and Bookman's even greater frustration that I wanted to seek out a completely different madman altogether. I missed Jeremija.
'I'm not precisely a waiting kind of man, Blue.' Bookman said and brought me back to my question. 'I don't know. You're a ... charismatic girl, I'm sure that you're sorely missed. '
'I might be.' I said lingering. Then, because I wanted to see that flustered look on his face I said 'Wouldn't you miss me, Bookman?'
He was just about to wave my question away which he sometimes did when I was being vague but instead his head caught and said, not missing a beat;
'Very much. I told you before, and you promised not to make us wear black.'
It was childish of me to tease him like that, especially since his answer was so earnest. I don't know how im going to bring myself to leave.