A Change of Heart

4.

I woke up in my bed in my own room and Stanley was in bed with me holding my hand. He must've fallen asleep while waiting for me to wake up but even while asleep, was too worried to let go of my hand. Mom must've not wanted to wake Stanley up or break his hold on me and just tucked him into my bed with me. Up close I could see the dark circles that lined his eyes. I wonder how many sleepless nights I've put my family through.

I could hear my mom outside my door talking to someone. Slowly taking my hand out of Stanley's, I sit up and I saw the backside of the someone in my doorway and knew immediately that it was my dad. Wait, hold on. My eyes pan to the familiar shelf above my desk, crammed with journals and books. All my journals on my shelf have been taken down and were all on my bed, opened. Why were they going through my journals? Then I remember. The flashback in the condo with Carol and buttered toast.

"Stan?" I shook my brother's shoulder. He immediately bolts up and was on full alert. When he sees me awake, he relaxed and gave a sigh of relief. "What happened?"

"You had a mental breakdown and we couldn't stop it this morning. And then you just stopped and fell asleep. It's been around 12 hours now. Dad came back around 11:00 AM and then they went through your journals because they found stuff Carol wrote behind your password sheet." He said quietly and kept his eyes on me while patting my hair. "I got so scared. We already almost lost her, we can't lose you too."

"What do you mean?" I look at the door and I see mom and dad come in.

"I'll tell you later okay?" Stanley promised.

"Hey, Violet, how you feeling?" Dad was trying to keep it as casual like nothing happened but I can see it in his eyes that he was in more pain than anything else.

"Dad, don't worry! I'm doing fine right now, other than not having any memories. There are some memories coming back but they're fuzzy still. I just need time." I reach out for his hand and I squeeze it. "In the meantime, I will take care of myself with Stan here. Dad, you need to go rest. You just came back from Hong Kong and one sick person in this house is enough." Dad bends down and caresses my head before kissing my forehead.

"It's been awhile since I saw you like this. It's great to have the old Violet back. Don't worry about us, just focus on you okay, my gumdrop?"

"Yes, daddy." I give him a reassuring smile. Mom comes and sits on the side of the bed and places her hand on top of my hand and dad's hand.

"Honey, we're going to go get dinner ready. In the meantime, the doctor recommended you to read your journals but if you get a headache, you have to stop reading okay? Stanley? Sweetie, can you keep an eye on her. If she even looks troubled, just take it away –"

"And keep it away from her no matter how stubborn she becomes. Yes, I know mom. Don't worry! I'm not letting her out of my sight! I got it from here, just hurry with dinner cause Violet's stomach has been growling louder than tiger." As if my stomach had ears, it grumbles in protest against being empty.

"Come on, let's go make dinner." Dad helps mom off the bed and steers her out my room.

"Have fun my little bears!" And just like that, they went downstairs to make dinner.

I sit there looking at all the journals I had written throughout the years. 12 journals are on my bed. One for each year. I wonder how many memories and experiences I had accumulated over the years. All of my written memories for twelve years, all in ink are in front of me. What if the reason I lost my memories was because I couldn't handle them?

"Hey, you okay?" I look over and Stanley is staring at me intently.

"Yeah, just nervous..."

"Nervous about the memories right?" He takes my hand again and squeezes it. "Don't worry. Sooner or later you will remember everything and it will be back to normal okay?"

"Okay..." I pick up the first one that's near me and I marvel at all the pages and the writing inside the pages. Some were very neat and some were scribbles. What have I written on these pages...

"Vi, start from the top!" Stanley laughs while handing me the journal with "1" inscribed into the spine, the same one I took out before. I smile at him and I take it from his hand. I start flipping through the journal and as I read them, my emotions were all over the place. It was like my heart remembers everything that happened but my brain could not comprehend any of it. Names, events, and emotions just flew past me as I read through the journals. There were two names that always showed up: Carol and Taylor. We both called Carol "Carlo" instead because the day we met her in kindergarten, she spelt her name as "Carlo" and ever since then, we called her Carlo according to my entries in the journals. Around two hours had passed and I read through six years worth of journals I had written. A lot of things were deja vu and very fuzzy. When I try to push to remember more than the pages, a headache strikes and makes me recoil. I have winced multiple times and Stanley has almost taken away my journals, but I insisted that I was fine.

The evening passed quite quickly. It was just a blur of journal entries when I went for dinner. During dinner, mom and dad were very cautious about what they were saying while trying to act very normal. Although their efforts were greatly appreciated, it made me feel very uncomfortable since they are trying to keep information that could have a possibility of triggering a flashback. After dinner, I finished everything but the last journal. I was halfway through the journal and a bunch of things in my life seem to have gone wrong already.