Dear Kitty » ziam au

3

15 January
Dear Kitty,
          I'm sorry i couldn't write you yesterday. I was so scared. All the routine started again at home. Sisters are gone and I'm again left alone with my parents.
          I never told you right? That they fight a lot. About everything and anything. And sometimes when fights are really big. I can hear the crockery and vases breaking down the hall. My dad has that anger issue. And my mum too sometimes.
           They just had that fake happy and loving parents mask on when sisters were home. Sisters doesn't even know what kinda of hell this house has become after they're gone. I don't even try to tell them. It will affect their mental health.
           Yesterday, Dad came home a little late. And mum just asked him why was he late. Dad had few vodka shots before he came. And he exploded. I hate it when he drinks and fucks things up in the house.
           He broke my favorite vase which i painted two months back. The grunting voices coming from downstairs had me sobbing in my own room. i never go downstairs when dad is home unless its for dinner or lunch, that i don't really eat.
               I was scared again. Just like always. And you know the worst part, i had panic attack and they didn't even know. They never know. Always busy in fighting to acknowledge my presence in the house.
             I wanna run away someday. I feel like i have had enough of this. Either i should commit suicide or i should just pack things up and run away. Neither of thing i do will affect my parents. I don't think they ever loved me. They go around breaking everything I've ever made with love just to get off their anger.
          I stayed in the room entire evening and the night. I didn't eat at all. I didn't feel like eating. I never do. It's tough when the things happening in your life is eating you up inside, how can you think of seeing food even. It's not the way it should be. I never asked for this life.
           I am tired. Just like always. Its been four years since these event are occurring. Every other day new reason to fight about. I got no reason to live anyway.
          I have no friends. No one to go out with. No one who'd lend me a shoulder when  I'm crying my life out. No one to hold me closer when I'm having panic attacks. No one to calm me down when I'm going breathless.
          Its tough. But now i have you. You will listen to me  i know. I'm Happy i have you :)

-zain