Dear Kitty » ziam au

34

23 December
Dear kitty,

I went to funeral. I saw him crying on the grave of his father. He already didn't have a mother now he lost his father too. I could hear a story in his sobs of being lonely.

He looked so fine in black suit. But tears in his eyes prickled thousands of knives in my heart. His beautiful brown eyes soaked in tears yet looked enchanting. He has cut his hair short now. He looked so helpless.

I thought to provide him a shoulder to cry on. I know how it feels when you loose your loved one. May it be alive or dead. I know the feels. I battled back in my mind and finally took steps ahead to go to the other side of grave.

I guess he hadn't noticed me coming. I was about to touch his back and that so called girlfriend of his took my chance. She hugged him and cried with him.

It should have been me. Fuck this shit. It should have been me. He should have been in my arms. But he was right there in front of me, crying in her arms. Holding her tight with fear of letting go.

I died. :))

After everyone was gone. I began to walk outside of cemetery too. I could see a shadow far in the back of cemetery's big cement staircase. I chose to go there before.

I saw my favorite person crouching down on the first stair. His head buried in his hands as he sobbed. It felt like he has become lifeless. In some ways i could see myself in him. Same lifeless when he left me.

It wasn't time to refresh my sick memories to burden him more. So instead i sit beside him and looked him. He noticed my presence and turned towards me.

I wish i could die before seeing those tears in his eyes. I couldn't live with it anyway. Tears automatically formed in my eyes even before i could realize. He broke down again and this time he fell in my arms. He held on to my shirt as he cried against my chest. I held his trembling body tenderly in my arms. I missed holding him like that. I missed having him this close to me. I missed his scent. I was going crazy for months just because i couldn't smell him and his smell from my clothes was fading. Now he was there in my arms after ages. I wish time could stop just right there.

I would love to die in his arms like this rather than living meaningless life that I'm doing. I heard him sobbing. I whispered few things in his ears to calm him down. He chuckled as i told him he's soaking my shirt.
I am so glad i could make him smile at least. I missed cracking dumb jokes and making him laugh like maniac. I wish i could turn back time so i didn't have to be scared of leaving him at the moment. But sadly no one has made time machine.

I hugged him tight as he stopped crying a little. His grip on me tightened making me realize he missed it as much as i did. How i wanted to kiss his tears away at the moment. But i hold no place to do that.

I held onto him as much as I could. I knew it was for just few moments that i have with him in his vulnerable state. Once he's okay, he will be back to ignoring me. And I'll have to live with it. I wish i die. But right now, I was having the best person in my arms. Again, can we please stop the time or rewind it?

We were having our own moment in our own little world. Until everything came back to life. She had to appear out of the blues. Her face looked pale as she saw him hanging on me. He quickly broke the hug and looked at her. She was making an awful face as if she had seen a dinosaur. 

He patted my cheek once and shot me one last glance before leaving me again. His hand left mine and so did my urge of living.

I saw him going out of my sight with her.
I looked at him longingly but he wasn't gonna return. I know he won't.

This was the last time i saw him. And will be the last ever time.

I still have the same clothes on. I can smell him on my clothes after decades. I'll end everything once this smell is gone.

Know that i love you so much kitty. For being there always. My best friend :))

-zain