Lams- I Can't Lose You

Slowly...

There we sit, face to face on the kitchen floor.

There are so many things I want to ask him. So many things I want to tell him. I fear what might happen if I break the magic that the silence holds.

"What even happened?" I say.

He starts to answer, but I cut him off. "What even happened in your head that made that all seem okay?"

I didn't mention what 'that' was, but by the way he looked at me, I know he knows what I'm referring to.

"I shouldn't've."

I let his words hang in the air.

"I knew long-distance relationships never, ever work, but I'd thought that might've been my last chance to tell you what I'd felt." He looks down. "I was stupid. 100% stupid, and I'm not even going to try and defend myself about it. Please, just, I want to know that you forgive me because I've been living with this, knowing in the pit of my stomach that I should have done something different, but never having the guts to contact you. Old-John would have probably screamed my head off."

I sit there, waiting for him to continue. I want him to get the whole thing out in one go, or we'd never get anywhere with this conversation.

"I can never live with myself knowing that you were angry with me. It was easier for me not to know how you were feeling."

He laughed sadly. "I reimagined the scenario over and over in my head. There were multiple endings to that, all of them better than what actually happened, but all of them impossible."

He sniffles as another tear rolls down his cheek. I wipe it off.

Last time I saw him was over a year ago. I don't even know if he's the same person anymore.

He looks different.

He looks tired.

"We've both definitely changed, but we're still the same people. I used to know you better than I knew myself. We can make this work. I promise." I sigh softly and take a hold of his hands. "Let's just take this slow, okay? We're not the same teenagers we used to be."

Alex nods.

"I understand." He says hesitantly.

"Slowly." I brush a lock of hair out of his face. I smile a bit. Seems like he still never brushes it. At least that hasn't changed. It looks like a little lion's mane.

My little lion.

"Slowly..." Alex says. He stares into my eyes.

Have his eyes always been this pretty?

I stare back at him. My body unconsciously leans forward just the slightest bit.

"Slowly." I repeat.  What is happening.

He leans forward too. His head is in my hands. My head is in his. I can feel his breath skim across my face.

I move so my forehead is leaning against his. Our noses are touching. We're not even centimetres away from kissing.

I close my eyes. I just want to be here with him for as long as allowed.

"May I kiss you?" He whispers.

I breathe a silent 'Yes', and he slowly presses his lips against mine.

Slowly.

This is totally what you meant when you said to take it slow, isn't it, John?

Isn't it?

I ponder the entire situation.

Yes.

Woot woot double update.

What am I doing it's 4am pacific time and I'm just cranking these out the day before I go back to school.

Love ya <3