where you belong

Chapter 19

As soon as he opened his eyes his heartbeat increased because all he could see was darkness. His cheeks were damp and in his involuntary move of wiping them he didn’t realise he wasn’t sleeping alone anymore and he felt shifting, the strong arm that was securing him tightening its grasp. He took a big breath because he could feel his pulse in his ears and he gulped a sob because he didn’t want to wake up Jungkook; he was supposed to be a good boy. His chest began to heave so soon the older awoke to consciousness and stretched to turn the lamp on because there was definitely something wrong.

As soon as he saw his baby’s tearstained face he turned towards him and caressed his skin.

“Hey –” His voice was hoarse. “Don’t cry, Jiminie, what happened?” It was a bad dream but the boy just shook his head and let out a small whimper. “It’s okay, we don’t have to talk about it.” His big hands reached for a hug and soon the blond was snuggling against his chest, his face hidden in the crook of the other’s neck. “Do you think you can go back to sleep?”

His stomach was in pain because of the hunger but he refused to say anything because he knew he’d grow anxious once his eyes reached food. The nightmares were constant and they were caused by the state of tension he was permanently in – he was regularly hiding things, regularly lying and hurting himself. He knew Jungkook was going to break up with him for good if he would find out what he was actually doing so he couldn’t afford to talk to him about it. Truth be told, he didn’t consider himself worthy of love anymore.

“Sing to me, please.”  He loved his boyfriend’s voice.

“Okay, baby.” A soft kiss was pressed against his forehead and soon he was slipping into a long and agitated slumber.

He was not sweet anymore, he was not touchy – even Tae pointed out that he was avoiding hugs and that was only because he didn’t want other people to feel his body. Ever since they moved in together, Jungkook and him never had sex, they never even made out, they were roommates more than anything. Exactly one week has passed ever since they started sharing a place and things changed drastically. Jungkook was seriously thinking Jimin was slowly slipping into depression – losing 2 kg in one week, being always pale, always tensed and on the point of having an anxiety attack, barely sleeping, barely able to concentrate – so the next day he decided they needed to talk.

They were in the kitchen, it was Sunday and they could laze around as much as they wanted. He was done with pouring the warm tea inside the boy’s cup when he sat beside him and grabbed his own, his hands wrapping around the warm mug.

“Jimin.” He sounded unsure and as soon as the blond heard his name spoken he felt like hyperventilating because it sounded so bad. This was the end. “I think – I think it would be for the best if you’d see a therapist.”

“What?”  Brown eyes widened.

“I’m worried. Please!” He was not the type to beg but he couldn’t stand seeing the one he loved withering right in front of him. “I’ll see if Jin has any recommendations, I can even come with you if you think that will help.”

“No.” Jimin whispered out of the blue. “Why?”

“Because you’re hurting, do you think I don’t see how hurt you are?” It was breaking his heart to know his baby couldn’t open up to him, they were drifting apart and he couldn’t allow that. His hand grasped a tiny one and he leaned so he could kiss the soft skin of the other’s fingers. Jimin shook his head and pulled away, the contact bothersome for it was blurring his mind. “At least promise me you’ll think about it.”

He nodded but soon changed the subject and the day passed mostly in silence, that until Jimin decided it was almost time to meet Tae. He was dressed a large hoodie and a pair of pants that were too big for him when he received a text that they had to postpone it for half an hour.  He sat on the edge of the bed and as soon as he felt the mattress moving he tensed, slightly leaning forward. Jungkook’s lips found his throat and that’s when he felt tears in his eyes.