intertwined.

it is.

you want to look perfect 

but you'll never be perfect.

you want love with a guy who has a bad past with drugs and alcohol

you want someone who'll only hurt you

and now i know where i get it from. 

you say you have the right to talk to us like shit

but if we treat you like you treat us we're in the wrong. 

if we stick up for ourselves like you tell us to

we get in trouble don't we?

we get grounded or hit 

and we continue to live in fear. 

fear that if we stick up for ourselves we'll only get hit

fear that you'll go

fear that if we do something wrong it's the end of the world

fear that if we hurt ourselves on purpose we'll get grounded with a promise of help

that will never come. 

fear that we'll never be saved. 

i try to be perfect because i'm in fear of you leaving. 

but i'm not perfect.  

and i'm tired of never being enough for you and i'm tired of getting treated like literal dog shit

and i'm tired of playing mom even though you're here. 

i shouldn't have to play mom, we shouldn't have to lose you. 

i shouldn't be scared of losing you even though you're already gone. 

i shouldn't have to go through this. 

and i shouldn't have to lose myself so you can be happy. 

and you know what?

i do it everyday for you, i put my fake face on and pretend to be okay with it. 

pretend to be happy and pretend to be me. 

for you, everyday.

so why should i have to kill myself everyday for you to just bitch at me? 

when all i ever do is so you can go and live a fantasy that he won't relapse

that we'll be a perfect big family with no problems. 

but guess what bitch, your kids don't wanna be here.

and i am so fucking tired of getting bitched at for things i can't control

or for things i didn't even do but he's here so put the blame on me.

I AM TIRED.

why can't you see that?

why can't you fucking listen?

your kids hate you and you can't even fucking notice?

i just want you back. 

is that too much to ask?

it is.