intertwined.

Sorry, this is my fault. Sorry, that i committed suicide. (not.)

i want people around, i want them to feel welcome

but i also just want to be left the fuck alone. 

i wanna make plans with people i never see or never get to hang out with

but i can't. i don't want to third wheel anymore than i already do. 

i want my family to be together and my parents to be together

but i also would so much rather live with someone who isn't my mom but treats me so 

much better than my own mother and who helps me figure out this bullshit in my head. 

and some days like today i just want to die. 

and there's something poetic in all of this but right now i'm fucking hurting and i can't find my way up 

i can't see anything and i'm lost and i'm sad and really don't see a point in trying to find my way.

and i'll put my fake face on and try not to drown any further but for fuck's sake where is everyone? 

where have they gone? what have i done? did someone find michael in the bathroom?

it's all me isn't it? it's my fault always! it's my fault because i can't breathe, my fault that my brother got sick, my fault that my parents don't love each other, my fault that my mom doesn't even talk to us anymore, my fault that i hate this life and only want to die, my fault.

it's always my fault. yeah it's starting to look and feel that way. 

sorry for being a fuck up, sorry for ruining a marriage, sorry for ruining my friendships, sorry for hating myself, sorry for loving way too much and for being happy way too little. 

sorry mom for not being the perfect daughter, sorry i'm not him and can't make you happy anymore. 

and sorry to my other mother who makes me feel like i have a place to belong, where i can be free from pain. i'm sorry i don't see myself the way you see me. and i'm truly sorry for when the day will come where i'm no longer here to wipe your tears and scare your fears. i owe everything i am to you. 

sorry dad, i just can't do it anymore. i love you and please don't stop loving music, it's the one thing that makes you the happiest. 

and to my friends, i'm sorry. i love all of you and i owe many of you gratitude for being my anchor and keeping me afloat. thank you. 

it was always my fault and for that i'm sorry. 

cooper.