All my life it feels like I've never truly lived.
Fourteen years of going through the motions
I am young,
But the world has passed me by and I don't want to die.
I want to live.
I want to live and breathe and feel everything
I am tired of feeling okay.
I am tired of being spoon fed a watered down version of what it is like to be alive.
I want to be drunk off my own euphoria
I want to feel all the pain and all the loss
I want to destroy myself and put myself back together again
I want to be in love.
I want to be able to be close to people.
I want to write about everything I've experienced.
I want to help people.
I want to learn to dance, I want to write music
I want to read book after book after book.
I don't to be the woman in Idaho who never got enough sleep and spent her days watching the price is right on her couch.
If my diaries are ever bought on eBay and read aloud in a buzzfeed video, I want them to mean something.
I want to mean something
I want to be known by someone.
I want to be someone worth knowing
I want to be heard.
I want to have something to say.
And we're all just struggling against the dread that everything we do will be for nothing and
I don't want to be a nihilist.
I want to be something
anything
I do not want to spend my life waiting to live.
