Drowning Into Oceanne

04. what if

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School is the last place I was hoping to be right now. As usual I couldn't really sleep last night and History classes didn't really help me staying awake either.

The bell rang, making everyone jump up and hurriedly leave the crowded classroom. Today I wasn't feeling very well. I don't know, sometimes the numbness hits me too strongly and those are the nights which I can't sleep.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who feels as if they're constantly drowning, being underwater and watching the whole world above you, as if you're the only one who can't breathe.

I walked through the big white corridors until I was in the canteen. Same thing everyday, same order, same table, same routine. Routine. I hate those, they make me feel like I'm a robot, automatically living this life that is already planned.

I'm waiting at the canteen line with my earphones on, listening to my favorite indie playlist as I silently tap my feet to the rhythm of the music.

In the corner of my eye I see Valentine with his raven hair and striking eyes talking animatedly with some guy as his mouth stretches in a laugh. That's one thing I've noticed over the week: Valentine is always smiling, if you pay attention you can always hear his defined laugh through the corridors of this school.

But if you looked close enough, you'd notice how his face seemed a little paler then usual, how his usual radiant-self seemed to fail sometimes, showing his tired face. In that moments, my heart stopped with the what ifs. What if he's actually not that perfect? What if I'm not as alone as I think I am? But that thought seems to always vanish when I most need it.

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"Have you guys seen the new Star Wars movie?" Arabella asked, her delicate oriental eyes moving from person to person.

"Meh, not really. Hate them" Sam answered as Will looked at her like she'd lost her mind.

"This girl has some serious problem." Will exclaimed as he looked down at Sam. "Last week she was watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians when she was supposed to be studying for the chemistry test. She's impossible." Everyone laughed as Sam turned to him making her puppy face as she said "But you love me."

And they started to make out. It always ended up like this and I always seemed to leave the table at that moment.

I waved at the rest of the table as I packed my things and walked to the park we have next to the canteen. I always like to sit bellow a tree and just listen to music.

When I opened the doors to the park, there he was. Sitting bellow my favorite tree, headphones on and eyes closed.

I walked through the grass field and sat right next to him, pulling my own headphones on as I listened to my music.

I think he noticed me there at some point, but my eyes stayed closed as my mind drifted to the land of my thoughts.

I only noticed that I feel asleep when I woke up, feeling a soft finger touch my under-eye as I heard his deep yet soft voice say as I opened my eyes "Are you alright Oceanne?"

His bright eyes looked concerned and I immediately touched my under-eye, looking back at my wet finger and realising I had cried a little. Fuck.

"Y-Yeah" I cleared my throat as I looked at him, trying to sound more convincing as I dried my eyes. "I'm fine!" I said, forcing a tight smile as I stood up.

He looked at me with a serious expression, and I knew he hadn't believed me, but there was nothing I could do.

I forced a smile on my face as I waved at him "See you around, Valentine." He gave me a tight lipped smile and it seemed so unusual compared to his full smile, that I had already get used to seeing.

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when we are asleep
in this world, we are
awake in another.

- salvador dali