Drowning Into Oceanne

06. nothing

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A few hours ago, the disaster had happened. I arrived home (after discovering that Valentine is my new neighbor), and the second I passed through the door it was like I didn't even exist. As usual, my parents pretended that I didn't exist, I got mad and we fought. We yelled a lot, I called them fucking assholes and they called me a disgrace. Same usual.

I couldn't sleep nor stay at that house, so I went to the beach, 5am looking like a mess, my eyes puffy and my face red. The only thing that I wanted was to just enter in the ocean and disappear, to forget and be forgotten.

Sometimes when I'm not feeling anything I like to write.

i want to feel something. it's crazy for me to want to feel pain but i feel like it's necessary. i feel like it's that last step i need to take or the only way to breathe underneath the water.

i want to love someone like in those dramatic movies where you leave the cinema feeling like you've been stabbed in the heart, and it's so relieving that in those brief post-cinema moments i feel myself getting a little, if not a lot, relieved.

i want to cry but it seems like the tears are stuck inside me, screaming to get out until my ears bleed. but i don't feel pain.

i want to vomit and take this concrete inside of me that makes me feel as if it's eating my insides slowly until i can't resist anymore.

most of the times it feels like there is no end. one day i've had more hope but today it seems like i just want to feel pain, that i just want to drown in this ocean inside of me.

i don't look for any escape, i just sink watching what i've known disappear and being replaced with the unknown.

i want for it to have an end. the end never interested me, just the way to get there. i take pills that make me feel nothing. i've been used to nothing when i sleep with no one by myself. me and nothing. nothing is like this empty hole that has no end. it's hard to distinguish both of us.

maybe there is no distinction. maybe i am nothing.

I let my notebook fall open in my towel when my phone starts to vibrate. Unknown number. Who'd be calling me at 5 am?

"Oceanne." My heart clenches and I can hear it loud as ever when I hear this familiar voice. "You up?"

"Couldn't sleep."

"Me neither." His soft voice murmurs through the speakers, making my hands get clammy. "Where are you?"

"The beach."

He didn't even give me time to say anything as he said "I'm coming over."

This made me anxious. And sometimes everything is too much, so I got up walking straight to the waves that seemed to be calling me.

Time passed as I just stood there, swimming in the sea. When I looked behind me, there he was. Dark hair messy with the wind. Eyes so blue you could almost drown in it. He was absolutely breathtaking and he knew that.

And I just don't know him, the same way he doesn't know me. But that just leaves that mystery, that little puzzle that you want to solve but still want it to happen, almost like a riddle making you curious yet cautious.

I got out of the ocean, feeling the way that the cold wind made my skin erupt in chills. I walked to him, and he just looked at me, with that face that I'm slowly getting used to.

I sat beside him and watched as he looked at the waves, tired eyes lost deep in thoughts. It almost felt like he wasn't there.

"What happened to you?" It got out of my mouth before I could think.

He looked at me and forced a little smile, but his eyes were tired and dull. "Couldn't sleep." Were the only two words he said for a while, and I accepted the fact that he wasn't really wanting to talk about whatever happened. I guess both of us weren't really wanting to talk about ourselves.

"You know" I said and his head turned towards me "When I was little, I used to think that I was the ocean's daughter. I've never really gone well with my mom and I honestly believed that I was born in the ocean, since it was the only place it felt like home."

His lips pulled into a little smile as his gaze went back to the sea, "Maybe you are."

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constantly,

consistently,

continually,

you.