Friday, I'm in Love

One

"She wrote you this," My mom said, her voice like an echo in the silent room. She laid a wrinkled, yellow piece of paper on my nightstand. It was folded into a tiny square. I didn't move a muscle, as I lay on my bed. I was wearing Falon's favorite sweater.

I couldn't move, my body seemed to forget how to function, and every organ and bone felt as though each were made of iron; weighing me down. My eyes drifted to the letter, then back to my mom.

Her face held permanent concern these past few days. I couldn't find comfort there, and my dad doesn't know how to approach me in a situation like this. It's okay, because I don't want to talk to him; or anyone for
that matter. There's nothing to talk about. Period. Falon, my girlfriend is gone. It's clear that I didn't help her enough. Or even love her enough. So there is nothing anyone can say to neutralize this sick and heavy feeling I have in my emotions and my body.

"I'm going to go cook dinner, ok? If there's anything you need, I'm an earshot away." Her voice seemed louder than it usually is. My mom always has consoling tone, but now, it felt desperate. I know why. She's worried I might sneak into the bathroom and chase the veins on my forearms with a razor. It would be easier to just end it. But I never want anyone to feel how I do.
"Okay." I responded, my voice thick and raspy from crying.  As soon as she shut the door, I reached out to take the note. I held it in my hand tightly. I could feel my chest begin to swell as tears took their time falling down my face.

Fuck this.

I got up and shoved the folded piece of paper deep into one of my messy drawers. My heart begin to beat wildly and my breathing fell into a quick pattern. I shut it the drawer fast and tore off my sweatpants. I grabbed a pair of jeans off a hanger and pulled them on, along with a pair of ragged Janoski's. I picked up my battered Enjoi board off the floor and left my reclusive room.

"Mom! I'm going out for awhile!" I called, not waiting for her response. I dropped my board on the pavement and mounted it without a second's hesitation. I pushed off, my long tangled mane trailing in the breeze. I kept skating until I got to a an abandoned parking lot.

Falon and her group turned it into a ghetto skatepark. There wasn't much to it, a few makeshift ramps and rails. They added a trashcan to burn useless crap. I picked up my skateboard and slammed it with all I had to the ground. I heard it crack, but that's all it did. I threw it down again, and again. Where did I go wrong? I loved her so much; maybe she couldn't handle that. But she loved me too, right? If she loved me than...never. I am never going to play that shit card. She loved me and I know it. But there has to be something I could've done more of. Or less of.

My thoughts began to spin out of control. My breathing was heavy, and beads of sweat laced my forehead. The board's nose had snapped, and my muscles felt weak and distressed. I took a deep breath and screamed as loud as possible. No one was around, but I'm sure that at least someone heard. I couldn't care less. My heart was absent from my chest, and I'm empty inside. I dragged the mangled board to the trashcan and dropped it in. I dug in my pocket and pulled out a silver lighter. I reached in and set the broken wood on fire.

Falon got me into skateboarding. Before we even started dating, she was my best friend. Skating was her passion, and every second she was awake it seemed that she was grinding rails or ollying off  staircases. Falon kinda forced me into the hobby, making me buy Enjoi's original whitey panda board. Skateboarding it seems, is like an addiction. You begin to live for it. That's how I felt anyway. Of course Falon too. I think it was an escape for her.

I clenched my jaw as the smoke begin to burn my eyes. I didn't look away though. I really did feel like burning it was going to help me. Skateboarding didn't save Falon, and neither did I.