A Secret

The Boy with the Ball

I walk home with Axel, our steps perfectly in sync.

"Dude why don't you have a car yet? You know why I don't but, why you?" Axel asks.

"It's because you know my parents, 'physical exorcize is the best way to be healthy.' They say it's only a couple blocks down, I got working legs, they say I need to use them" I sigh.

We are dipped into silence again, only the cool wind rustling the leaves is heard. We stop in front of Axel's house and he shudders.

"Still drunk?" I ask.

"Always." He replies tersely.

"You know, my house is always available for you, come stop by anytime you want," I say giving him a sideways grin.

"Thanks dude, but I can handle this," he says as he walks up the steps.

I give him an encouraging smile and nod in departure. A sigh escapes my lips as I look back at their house. His pride was too big for him to swallow, 'dammit Axel you'll choke one day,' I think shaking my head.

I continue my walk home. The wind whispering, the leaves dancing, I look around uncertain. Something's not right...but I shrug it off.

Home at last. I walk to my room upstairs and flop down onto my bed. My eyes unwilling start to close, who knew working at a cafe would tire someone out so much.
                                         ***

Finally a fourth grader, the joy radiating from me was almost blinding. I grip the straps of my backpack holding on tightly as if it's my life line. I walk into the classroom posters filling the walls, a cinnamon scented candle fills the room and I smile.

As I sit down, I grin, knowing this is going to be a big year in my life.

Later that day, we are released to play outside. I'm ecstatic...until I realize I don't know anyone at all. My shoulders hunch forward as I shove my hands in my pockets. I'm still short for a fourth grader, why couldn't I hit my growth spurt yet???

I stare gloomily at the other kids laughing with no care in the world as they sprint and throw balls. My eyes focus in on a boy who is standing at a distance from the other kids. He is bouncing the ball against the wall looking bored. I stare in awe and feel a weird force almost pulling me towards him and whatever I did, I couldn't take my eyes off of him.

Soon enough we had to go back inside but I couldn't shake off the weird feeling I had felt when watching the boy.

The next day came by and the same thing happened, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I had the strongest feeling to walk over and talk to him, compliment him on anything, even if it was stupid. I couldn't find the courage to do so, every time I would stand up I would sit back down and continue to stare. Soon enough we had to go back in.

Three more days passed like this.

What was going on? I came to the conclusion that I just really wanted him as a friend. That's it right? Why else would I be feeling this way?

The next day, I got the courage and walked up to him. He was so concentrated on the ball that when I tapped him, he jumped and the ball rolled away from us.

'Uh...your really good at that...sports I mean," I say feeling shy.

He glances around at the other classmates playing, looking slightly confused.

'Uhm thanks...I guess,' he says awkwardly.

A strange feeling pierces my heart as I hear him talk for the first time. And he was talking to me. I walked home that day with a big grin on my face.

The next day comes around and I'm giddy to see what they boy might say to me. But when the time comes around, our eyes meet for a brief second but, he continues tossing the ball as if he hadn't seen me at all.

My heart drops, and that day I walked with a slump home.

Im dreading the next day, will i be able to face him? I want to feel angry but strangely I don't. I still feel that strange pull to him, I wanted to talk to him, I wanted him to be around me. Why did I want a friend so badly?? I've never felt this way before...
***
I jolt awake, my forehead has a thin layer of sweat and I feel as if I had run 20 miles. Why the hell did I dream about that. In my past life I payed no attention to it, it never crossed my mind twice. Why all of a sudden was this particular memory resurfacing?

3:00 am. Have I really been sleeping that long?

'Your overreacting, everything is fine, it's just one of those random memories you keep for whatever random reason,' I tell myself.

For some reason though, I don't even believe myself. I had never told a living soul about those days, and I never will. Thinking back to it just embarrasses me, as I realize how stupid I was to be so attached.

I groan as I bury my face back into my pillow. This didn't mean anything...right??