SUNSHINE, jihope. [fin.]

10; you'll never

They're doing it again. His language professor sends out an email detailing the now weekly video chat sessions with Japanese students. Every Friday, they will devote half of class to speaking only Japanese on the computer lab webcams. It seems like he doesn't have a choice, now. Thursday night he lies awake, but suddenly he seems to have forgotten every word of Japanese he ever knew. His Japanese class has always made him nervous, so he skips it often, meaning he doesn't have any days left to miss. Any more and he fails the class. If he misses another graded video chat assignment, he might as well fail the class anyway.

It's not really so bad. Everyone says it isn't. The students stumble through the words and the professor helps them and it's fine. Everyone gets embarrassed, so it isn't embarrassing. But Jimin can't do it. Five AM rolls around, Hoseok is fast asleep, and Jimin vomits into the toilet. He can't do it. So he takes a few pills and sleeps right through Japanese class.

His fingers shake when he clicks the mouse to withdraw from the course. There's no point, now, he's already failed. He spent a lot of money on that class and he can't imagine what his parents would say if he told them why he had to drop it. He can't imagine what anyone would say. The worst part is that a year of language is required for every university student. He'll have to take it eventually. Video chatting is part of the curriculum. He has run away this time but he can't run away forever.

Jimin is tired of shaking fingers.

He goes to his contemporary dance class. Weariness combined with the listless aftereffects of his decision cause him to botch his flip, three times in a row. Taehyung tries to ask him what's wrong. His instructor is now absolutely convinced that he hasn't practiced tumbling at all. Somewhere in the middle of her scolding, his limbs weigh down with exhaustion so deep he could fall down right there. So he grabs his bag and runs out with her yelling after him.

Jimin runs all the way to the terrace. No one's there. He drops his bag and falls down next to the painted rocks, knocking one of them out of place in his haste, wrapping his arms around his torso because he feels like he's splitting apart at the seams. Failure. He's just a fucking failure. His phone buzzes nonstop. It's probably Taehyung, but the last thing he wants to do is talk. Taehyung will tell him, you didn't have to drop the class, it wasn't a big deal. But it is a big deal. It shouldn't be but it is.

He's not sure how long he sits there or when he starts crying. At some point the door opens but whoever it is must hear him and flee. After that no one comes.

Not until Hoseok.

"Jimin? Oh, Jiminie, Taehyung said you ran out of class and he couldn't find you, he's so worried-"

Jimin is crying too hard to answer, sobs that wrack his body until he's bent in half, breath coming in pained gasps. Hoseok's form blurs through his tears as he falls to his knees beside Jimin. He sits properly and pulls Jimin into his lap, tucking his head under his chin, running his hands over his hair. Jimin clutches Hoseok's shirt, burying his face into his shoulder.

"Jimin, baby, what happened?"

He wants to explain but he can't stop crying long enough to speak. Hoseok seems to understand. He rocks gently, dropping kisses on Jimin's head, murmuring words of comfort.

"Breathe, baby, breathe," he murmurs at one point, and it's as if Jimin's been given permission because it gets easier after that.

The panic subsides, eventually. His tears slow and his breath still hiccups but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. But he lets Hoseok hold him even after, because he's tired and Hoseok's arms are safe. For a little while, he thinks, it's all right not to worry about how close they are, how Hoseok's heart beats against his ear and his lips rest in his hair.

When his breath comes normally at last, Hoseok lifts his chin with one hand and wipes his tears with the other, impossibly gentle. "You wanna talk about it?"

"I have to-have to do an assignment for Japanese-" He hides his face in Hoseok's chest because he can't look at him when he admits it. "But-but I got too nervous and I-I withdrew from the class but I wasted so much money and I still have to take it eventually and it's such a fucking stupid reason to withdraw, so stupid, and I still can't get that flip down for dance and I really can't ever do anything right-"

"Hey, hey." Hoseok rubs his back as the panic starts to lace his voice again. "It's not stupid. Sometimes you just can't do it, and that's okay. You can spend break practicing Japanese and try again next term. Second year I dropped, like, three classes. It's not a big deal."

"Yes it is," he mumbles, voice muffled by Hoseok's shirt. "I shouldn't have had to drop a class because I got fucking scared. It's stupid."

"It's how you feel, Jimin, it isn't stupid. And don't worry about the flip. If you want we can book a practice room right now, yeah? We can practice all weekend. You'll get it down."

"Don't waste your weekend. Don't you have clubs to go to?"

"I'd rather be with you." Jimin stays silent, and when Hoseok speaks he almost sounds hurt. "What kind of friend do you think I am?"

Jimin laughs shakily. "A better one than I deserve."

"You know it's the other way around, right?"

Jimin sniffs, rubbing roughly at his face to rid his skin of all tear tracks. He pulls away from Hoseok and stands, already missing his warmth. "I promise I don't usually cry like a baby."

"Oh, good, because I do all the time."

"Shut up, hyung."

"Come on, let's go find a practice room. There's bound to be something free right now. You know, the computer lab has language software installed. You can practice speaking into the microphones. You should give it a try."

Jimin follows Hoseok to the door. Except for his headache he wouldn't feel at all like he had just cried harder than he had in years. A part of him knows that everything isn't okay yet; just because he's gotten out of this situation doesn't mean he can run away from everything that makes him anxious. And the fact that he had to drop a class means he's getting worse.

But for now, he feels all right. Lighter. When he catches up and Hoseok slings an arm around his shoulders, he even grins. He made me feel like I could do anything.

That's what Hoseok said about Sejun.

Only that's how Hoseok makes Jimin feel, too.

~

I'M GOING OFF TO WINTER CAMP TILL SUNDAY WITH NO ACCESS TO MY PHONE, SO I'M UPLOADING THIS NOW INSTEAD. HAVE AN AMAZING WEEKEND, I LOVE YOU ALL! 💕💕