Chat.Com -> h.s

Chapter Eleven

DAY 19

CASSANDRA'S POV

god think cassandra! mmmm. fuck me. what do i say to him. sorry? no that's just no. wow? no. who the fuck says that after isolating themselves for eleven days. fuck it's been eleven days. i'm so shitty. wow. ok. again, what do i fucking say. hi? no. hello? no. holy fuck this is hard... like my dick. cassandra! stop it! focus!

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: im so sorry

what the fuck cassie! that wasn't good at all! this kid was sad as hell and all you say is sorry!

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: you're right. i am a coward.

bigger cassie. go deeper. hurt yourself like you hurt him.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: a really really big coward. and i'm sorry.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i fucked up and probably ruined our friendship. but i'm not good with feelings. so when i said i cared for you too. i left because i was embarrassed...

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i thought that it would make me look weak and vulnerable... because, well, i don't know the because

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i know it's gotta be because of shit in my past and present that makes me think that but idk what...

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i'm sorry.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: really fucking sorry.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i read all the texts you and i want to know why i'm like "everyone else", who has hurt you in your past to make you feel like you did?

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i'm sorry H. truly sorry.

wow cassie. nice going. you had a great friendship going with him. yet you fucked it up.

Puns420-666: it's okay cass.

wait what?

Puns420-666: well not really but ya know

Puns420-666: i'm happy you're back. i missed you a lot. all your rude comments and insults. and your annoying self.

I missed you too.

Puns420-666: but you know "everyone else" includes, friends, old friends, and even family.

Puns420-666: i was always the one left out. and nobody cared for me. i had to do everything on my own. and they watched. never helped. it was as if i were a doll. and they thought i had no feelings because i was plastic. so they would be inconsiderate and rip the limbs off the doll. that's what it felt like. like something was being torn off my own body. and it sucks. i always wonder if i did something wrong. i never did. they just didn't like me.

Puns420-666: i'm not looking for pity or anything really. i'm just happy you came back.

Puns420-666: just don't leave me again

Puns420-666: please?

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i promise

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i'm so sorry tho H. i just couldn't face the fact that i have feelings and i am human and i accidentally forgot that other people do to and i hurt you. i didn't mean to. i'm genuinely sorry.

Puns420-666: don't be.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: it's hard not to be

Puns420-666: well, what did you mean that feelings make you vulnerable and weak and you think that because of your past and present.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: oh um well

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: the weak part comes in because 4 years ago (i was 13) my brother, who was 18 at the time, was involved in a head on collision, with a drunk driver, which ended up fatal. i would break down at the strangest times. and i would burst into tears at school. and one time i did a month after Jonah's death and people called me weak for crying after an entire month. and it hurt a lot. so i had to suck up my tears and deal with it.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: vulnerable because since people had seen me cry they thought i was soft. so i became a target. i was bullied. first, verbally. then both verbally and physically. we moved after that year and i'm in a much better place with better people. but i still have these walls built around me and these thoughts are still in my head.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: so ya thats it really

Puns420-666: cass...

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: h...

Puns420-666: it's okay to cry over shitty things like that. for however long you need. what's not okay is to bottle up those feelings and build walls and block people out once you finally let them in.

Puns420-666: i'm guessing that's also why you got defensive when i told you i cared?

is it? yes cassie. it is.

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: i think so

Puns420-666: don't block me out cass

Puns420-666: ever

Puns420-666: please?

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas: okay

Puns420-666: promise?

Cassie.luvs.enchiladas. i promise, h.

•••
it's back to normal. ya welcome. thanks for reading!