Trying.

I

"Hey, Dan?" Phil near-whispered. He'd been staring at Dan for a while, and he looked distant; he was thinking a lot, clearly not paying attention to the news on the television in front of them.

"Yeah?" Dan replied without looking away from the television.

"Are you," Phil paused for a moment. "Can you look at me, for a second?" He asked quietly, and Dan shifted his gaze and looked at Phil.

"Thank you." Phil sighed. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?" He inquired. Dan smiled thinly and shook his head, biting his lip.

"Nah. There's nothing to tell, Philly. Just feel a bit out of it today, that's all." He told him, his lack of confidence in what he had said was clear, but Phil ignored it and nodded his head as a sign he understood. He shuffled towards Dan and adjusted himself so his feet were propped up on the couch and half his body weight was on Dan, leaning his head on his shoulder. He felt Dan tense underneath him, and tilted his head up to look at him.

"You're uncomfortable." He said simply. Dan didn't reply, but forced himself to relax under his boyfriend's weight. Phil's face contorted slightly to one of confusion. He thought for a moment and sat up, Dan didn't resist. "Why are you uncomfortable? We do this all the time." Phil asked him, starting to become genuinely concerned. Dan took a quick breath, and shifted his body so he was facing Phil.

"I've just-" Dan paused, seemingly trying to find the right words. "I've been thinking a lot. And I'm... confused." He finished quietly, as though he feared Phil's reaction. Phil merely stared at him, completely lost. When Dan realised Phil wasn't going to say anything, he continued slowly. "I've been confused about-" he took a breath. "about love. I don't understand it."

Phil's expression didn't change. "I don't understand." He lifted his hand up to Dan, resting it on his cheek. "You know I love you, right?" Dan nodded. "And you love me too, don't you?" Dan didn't reply, just stared. Phil's eyebrows furrowed slightly, and he asked again, firmer but with a shred of fear, "Don't you?" Dan licked his lips, quickly shifting his eyes down and biting his lip. Phil let his hand fall into his lap, and felt tears stinging his eyes.

"Dan," He said, voice cracking slightly. "Don't you?"

Dan's eyes drifted up to meet Phil's, and upon seeing his pained expression, he scrambled to find words. Something to mend the mess he'd made so quickly. "I d-" his voice shook, and he paused to take a breath. "I do love you, Phil." Phil's face didn't change, so he added, "I've always loved you. I'm just not sure in what way." He finished on a whisper, and he watched a tear slide down Phil's cheek.

"What do you mean, 'in what way'? There- there's not-" Phil choked, and gave up trying to talk. He wiped the tears staining his cheeks and tried to keep his composure, but it was quickly failing him.

"Phil, I do love you. I swear to God I do, but I just-" Dan stopped, realising he's practically repeating himself over and over. "I don't know."

Phil sighed. "Yeah, whatever." He said, clearly frustrated now. He snatched up the remote and turned off the tv. He sat back and put his head in his hands. "I get it, you don't love me. You don't need to be such a dick by trying to pretend you do." He said, and Dan's eyes changed. They were both getting angry now.

"Phil, that's not what I'm saying-" Dan tried, but Phil cut him off.

"No, no, that's exactly what you're saying. You never loved me like that and you've been trying to pretend you have for seven fucking years." Phil was borderline yelling by the time he finished, and he looked up at Dan to see tears rolling down his cheeks.

"That's- that's not-" Dan tried to argue, but he was slowly coming to the realisation that Phil was right. When he realised he wouldn't be able to win Phil over, he got angry, and all he could think to do was yell.

"Why are you being such a sensitive prick?!" He yelled at Phil. His hands were tight fists and Phil looked no less angry. In fact, he looked infuriated now.

"You're the one that just told me you were lying about our love! And not only were you lying to me, but you were lying to yourself too!" Phil screamed back in Dan's face. He stood up quickly, needing to be above Dan for some reason. Dan did the same, he couldn't be below Phil.

"I wasn't lying! I loved you-"

"Loved?!"

"L-" Dan took a long-needed breath. "Love! I- fuck, this is so stupid." Dan looked down, shaking his head in frustration, trying to calm his breathing.

"You're such a dick, for fuck sake, Dan." Phil spat. He was about ready to punch Dan, he was that angry. Dan looked back up, fury behind his eyes.

"Fucking Hell, Phil, I've had enough!" He yelled.

"I hate you!" Phil yelled back. Dan let out a breath of humour-less laughter. How fucking childish of him.

"Are you fucking kidding me-"

"Shut up!" Phil full on screamed. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!" Dan went quiet, he'd never seen Phil this angry.

"Phil-" He quietly tried to talk, but Phil was having none of it.

"Don't even try to turn this around now, Dan!" He screamed, tears still streaming down his face. "I'm so fucking sick of you! If you just took one God-damned minute to think about how I feel-"

"That's all I ever do!" Dan interrupted, he will not be told he doesn't care about Phil when he's the only thing he's ever cared for. "All I ever do is think about how you feel, Phil!" He screamed, letting more tears escape.

"Then what the hell is wrong with you?! If you think doing this is 'thinking about how I feel', then maybe you should just stop trying!" Phil finished. He went quiet again, clearly having run out of energy to scream anymore. Dan was frozen. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but no sound came out, so he just closed it again.

"I'm going to stay at Pj's for the night." Phil stated coldly, shoving past Dan to get to their living room door. He looked back at Dan for a moment, who hadn't moved at all, not even to look round at Phil. He sighed and left, grabbing his jacket and shoes and storming out.

Dan jumped when he heard the front door slam, and finally turned around. He stared at their door for a long moment.

"Stop trying...?" He whispered quietly to himself.