Trying.

II

“Phil, what are you doing?” Dan stood beside Phil, who was fumbling with the keys to their apartment. “Are you so drunk you can’t even open a bloody door?”

“I’m not that drunk.” Phil grumbled, finally managing to unlock the door. They stumbled inside, Dan kicking it closed behind them. They shrugged off their coats and kicked off their shoes, Dan resting his hand on Phil's shoulder for support. Once his shoes were off, he stood up straight again, but didn’t move his hand. Instead, he turned Phil towards him and leaned in, kissing him. Phil rested his hands on Dan's hips and they both giggled through the kiss, Phil eventually stopping to rest his head on Dan’s shoulder.

“That was fun.” He mumbled into his shirt. Dan hummed in agreement, and they stayed like that for a moment, in each others arms. It was quiet, peaceful. Just them.

As it always was.

“Happy birthday, Phil.” Dan whispered, leaning his head into Phil's slightly. Phil held him just a little bit tighter.

“Love you.” Phil whispered.

***

Dan woke up to the evening sun shining in his eyes. He blinked and his hand came up to his face to block the light. He groaned and sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. It took him a second to realise he fell asleep on the floor of their living room. He hadn’t moved since Phil left.

“Phil?” He called out, his voice hoarse from the amount of screaming he did last night. He was met with silence, only filled by the chirping of birds and cars driving by.

Dan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He looked up at Phil's mug on the coffee table, he never even finished his tea. It was still hot when he left. Dan pushed himself up off the floor, groaning at the pain in his neck, and grabbed their mugs, slugging to the kitchen. He may as well wash up, it’s the least he can do.

Once he’d left the mugs next to the sink to dry and dried his hands, he moved back to the living room. He collapsed on the couch and grabbed his phone, hoping Phil might have called him, at least.

He had a few Twitter notifications, Tumblr, but no Phil.

“Fucking fantastic.” Dan mumbled to himself as he tossed his phone down next to him. He wanted to go to bed and try to sleep away whatever this was, but he had a live show tonight, and he didn’t have the energy to try and think of a believable excuse as to why he would cancel it.

Dan picked up his phone again and scrolled through his contacts until he landed on Phil’s. He hit call and held the phone to his ear. When he heard Phil's voicemail start to play, it hit him that Phil really was mad at him. That this wasn’t just a little fight that inevitably ends in both of them crying through their apologies and hugging each other as tightly as possible. Dan fucked up, and it was his fault. He was the one that made Phil hurt, made Phil scream, made Phil  leave.

He didn’t realise he was crying until he heard a sob escape his throat. He nearly hung up, but he heard the beep that said he was recording a voicemail, and he pulled his knees up to his chest.

“Phil? Please answer, I’m—” he sobbed again, and after a short moment managed to take a deep enough breath to finish his sentence. “I’m sorry. I made a mistake and I— I didn’t mean it. I love you. I love you so fucking much and—” Dan stopped to take a deep breath. Stop trying. “Please call me back. Please.” He hung up and let the phone fall onto the couch as another sob shook his whole body.

He didn't know it was possible to hurt so much because of one mistake.

He’ll make it up to Phil one day, Dan decided. He just wasn’t sure when or how he could do that.
He eventually managed to stop crying long enough to get up and slug his way to the bathroom to shower and change. If he didn't want anyone to worry, he had to look at least somewhat like he hadn’t been a mess since he woke up.

Once he had gotten dressed, he rubbed his eyes as he left the bathroom to set up his live show. He was so tired. If he could just go back to sleep, he would.

He sat at his desk, opening his laptop, and loaded up the younow page. Catching sight of himself in the webcam, he noticed the messiness of his hair, and moved to fix it. He sat back and took another look at his phone. It was almost nine, somehow, yet still there was nothing from Phil. He’d left over twenty-four hours ago now, surely he would think to at least text Dan some time soon.

Dan ran his hand through his hair, unintentionally messing it up again, and shuffled a bit in his seat. He started the live show and put on a big smile.

“Hi guys!” he greeted cheerfully, hoping no one would see through his smile. Well, they never did usually, so he didn’t worry much about that.

Nearly twenty minutes into the live show, Dan's phone got a notification. He nearly jumped to get to it, but stopped himself, now isn’t the time to check his phone.

He lasted about ten seconds before he couldn’t take it and muttered a quiet “One sec,” before reaching for his phone. The screen blinked to life, and there was a tweet from Phil.

‘NEW VIDEO TOMORROW! Pj and I quiz ourselves on what the future will be like! I think that everyone will be robots. \[□_□]’

Dan’s face dropped. He stared at his phone for a long moment, reading the tweet over and over.
Then he remembered he’s live to thousands of people.

His head shot up and he smiled widely, but it was clear he wasn’t okay anymore. His smiled lessened after a second, and he coughed lightly as he ran is hand through his hair again. He saw himself in the webcam and noticed the unshed tears glistening in his eyes. He blinked and practically threw his phone onto his desk, settling back in his chair again. His eyes rapidly scanned the chat for something to talk about, anything at all, but it was all people asking what he read on his phone and why he looked like he was crying and is he okay and where’s Phil and where’s Phil and where’s Phil and where the fuck is Phil—

“Okay, uh I think I’m going to leave this show a bit early unfortunately.” Dan's voice shook uncontrollably and he took a deep breath. “I just remembered I have some work to finish tonight that I completely forgot about, haha...” Dan trailed off, his tiny smile and weak attempt at a laugh making this all look even more depressing.

“At this point I should just stop trying, ha.” Dan barely realised he never specified what he meant, and he quickly blurted out, “Stop trying to do these live shows on time, I mean. I always remember what work I’ve forgotten about halfway through and practically dig myself a grave.” Dan felt a tear slide down his cheek and he bit his lip.

“S—sorry, I’ll go now. See you guys later .” Dan waved lightly, desperately trying to keep the weak smile on his face. He clicked off the live show and immediately let the smile and tears fall. He fell forward, his arms resting on the desk and his head in his arms. He’s so tired.
After a moment he dragged himself the short distance to his bed and collapsed onto it, falling asleep in minutes.

He hadn’t noticed the few messages Phil had sent to the live chat.