Not Good Enough

Six

I must've fell asleep at some point because when I opened my eyes, the sun was shining in my room. I walked out the door and looked around. I didn't see him anywhere. I knocked on his door lightly, expecting no answer.

"Come in," he uttered. I was startled a little by the response. I slowly opened the door. He was laying in his bed, reading a book. "Good morning, sleep well?"

"Why are you so chipper? When did you come home? Why are you reading a book, you never read books?" I blurted all of the questions out. I was still shocked he was actually home, and sober.

"Well, I came home late last night, and you were sleeping so I just went to bed. I am reading because I have nothing better to do; and I am 'chipper' because I am just happy that I think I've found my apartment and there are no parents to put me down. Does that answer all of your questions?"

"Yes. Thank you. I'll just be on my way then."

"Wait a second." I turn back around and face him. "It's my turn to ask the questions."

"OK, what are they?" I asked, a little worried.

"How is your English paper going?" he smiled a little too big, something was up.

"Oh, you know, pretty well."

"Yeah, give it up, I know there was no English paper, you never do homework during the day. If you didn't want to go, you could've just said so. I understand that you want some free time to yourself, neither of us get much of that anymore."

"Really, so you're not mad at me?"

"No, I guess. But you can't be mad at me when I tell you I was looking through your sketch book. You have some good drawings, but the butterfly one is my favorite."

"You looked through my sketch book? That's private."

"Yeah, and so was my journal but you looked through it anyway."

"That was four years ago," I said a little too harshly.

"Yeah, but I'll never forget it."

"I guess you won't if you still remember four years later." He just looked at me, saying nothing. I don't know what I said that made him go silent, but I didn't like the feeling of it. I mumble something about needing to go and walk out of his room and go into my own. I walk to my window and open it. I step onto the ledge and sit down. I haven't been out here in a while because I will get in huge trouble if my parents found me. My window faces a small pond in the middle of the woods. It always looks so beautiful. I stare into the sky and I see a butterfly, dancing in the wind. I think of how much I want to be like a butterfly. All I have to do is take one more step, and I can fly, fly with the butterfly. I was just about to take a step forward when I heard someone yelling.

"Amanda, where did you go?" he yelled. "Please come out. I want to talk to you about something."

But I don't want to talk to you, I thought as I moved away from the window, trying not to be seen.

"Please don't tell me you've ran off again. I hate it when you do that." He walked into my room again; I could hear his footsteps getting close to the window. I tried to move further away but he stuck his head out the window and saw me.

"What are you doing out here?" he demanded.

"I just wanted to see the view more." I responded.

"Okay, well, views over. Come back inside where it's safer."

"No."

"What? This is extremely dangerous, you could get hurt. Come back in." he was starting to get mad.

"You heard what I said, no. I am perfectly safe and I just want to enjoy the peacefulness and I like the fresh air. Once I'm done I'll come back inside." I spat at him. He seemed to be shocked at my remark; I almost thought I saw him simmer down a little.

"Okay. When you are ready to come back in I would like to talk to you about something important." He said calmly as he stuck his head back in the window. Once I knew he was gone I slid closer to the window. I was almost a little afraid to go back inside, but I will anyway. I crawl back inside and I head downstairs where Adam was patiently waiting for me.

"Have a seat," he said quietly. I sit in the seat across from him. He had a look of fear on his face that made me worry even more.

"What did you need to talk to me about?" I asked.

"First, I want you to tell me why you were really outside your window."

"I was enjoying the view, just like I said I was."

"Really, so you didn't try and walk off the edge of the house?"

How did he know.

"Well- "

"Amanda, you can't do that kind of stuff, it won't help. Trust me, sometimes I think it's the best way out, but it's not. We have to be in this together, or we won't make it out alive. I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you." At this point I couldn't hold it in anymore and I started sobbing. He got up and sat down beside me, wrapping me in his arms. "Please, don't cry. I just am trying to look out for you. Just don't do it anymore; I want you to know I'll be here for you." I could tell he was starting to tear up as well.

"Do you think about it to?" I asked in between sobs.

"All the time; but what keeps me here is that I could never leave you." He started breaking down too and we cried in silence for what seemed like a long time. After we separated, he took a deep breath. "That isn't all that I needed to talk to you about."

"What else is there." I asked.

"Right after you left my room, Dad called. He wanted to talk to you, but I told him you were in the shower. He is going to call you later today. He said it was important that he talked to you."

"Why?"

"I would never ask him that question. You'll find out later, I guess." He gets up and walked to the kitchen. I lay on the couch and close my eyes. Thoughts were racing through my head.

What did I do to deserve any of this? What does Dad want? How much more of this can we take before either Adam or I crack?