Lost Entries

A Note To Someone I Thought I Loved

I forgive you
Not for saying things you had no right to say or purposely continuing them
But for the stupid things you did when we were younger
The empty threats
The feelings that I now realize were fear
And hope that things would get better

I'm actually sorry I lied to you
I told you I loved you and I always would
I told you I felt something I wasn't sure of
I told you I wanted to stay with you

I know you've been hurt and you've hurt me but I forgive you
I forgive the hand holding that sometimes became too tight
The crushing feeling of my bones touching
Your anger that caused it

I forgive the failed attempts at leaving you
Failed because you threatened to end your life
And I really believed you would

Maybe a part of me loved you
And cared about you
At least enough to want you to live

Maybe I felt guilty
Like if I left and you used the gun it would be my fault
But I guess that was the point
My guilt
Your continued relationship

Iwaly was a lie that neither of us let die

I wouldn't always love you
We weren't even sure what it meant
All I knew is I wanted to leave
Long before you cheated on me
You always knew how to pull me back in though

But looking back I was just scared
And too young to realize the toxicity
But I'm ready to recognize that I don't care anymore
I don't love you
I'm glad I no longer know you