One Shot Wonder

12 intrude

One Shot from: the intruder(Now known as Charlie 2)

Somewhere between the age of 18 and 22 I was happily unaware of the fact I could lose something. It was the thing I value above everything else in my life..... myself..

At the time, I was trying to run a business, fighting against the men in my town that thought woman should be seen and not heard. I never wanted to have a man rule my life. I never thought that I would give up my life to a man.

I worked hard to gain the respect of the town. I was a co-owner and head mechanic of my dad's shop. I was my own person. Lived by myself. Took care of my own bills. I did not need a man. Nor did I want one.

But, like all things in life, things changed.

At the age of 23 I did something that I now question. I got married. As I look back now I see that I did not do this for love. I married my friend. A man I had fun with, we spent time with each other on the weekends. We laughed, rode bikes(motorcycles), we hang out with friends.

Now after 24 years of life with this man. I don't see the woman I use to be. The strong, confident, dominant I so desperately wanted to be. Looking in the mirror now, I don't even see my face. I don't see myself at all. I can only wonder where that person went.

There is a point in your life, when you stop being you, you lose your name.... You become a wife and (more importantly) a mother.

And now....

At this point in my life I am a 'ol' lady'. It a title you get when you ride behind the man. This was the one thing I thought I would never do.

I see how old I am, most in my children. My daughter is now 22 and married with her own child. My baby boy is a senior in high school.

I still remember how hard he was to potty train, or my daughter's first steps. Like it was yesterday. He is and will always be my sweet boy. I will forever be proud of the women my daughter became.

My real problem is now looking at me with a unreal hate-filled look. I don't know when he started hating me. He was once my rock. The man who help me get past the death of my dad.

"How the hell does this happen every pay day? There is never any money to do what I want!" He look at me with his mossy green eyes like I was the cause of all the bills. I hold my breath waiting for the rest of it.

He mad at me for the fact that he can't buy a new saddle bags for his bike. If this had happened earlier in our marriage I would have been upset. Maybe even begged for his forgiveness.

Now I feel.........nothing.

"Do you even give a shit?!" he says with as much hate as he can. I can only hold my eye contact. This is how I stand up to him now. This is how I show my dominants. Inside me I can feel the dominant stir.

I bite my tongue to keep the words from spilling out. I know it will only get turned back on me. He has gotten extremely good at turning the tables.

I use to not have a problem with standing up to a man. I loved telling a man off. Just to watch the shocked look on their face. Knowing I had out smarted them or come back with with something better. I once loved the feeling of this power.

In short...... dominating them.

Now I find I can only submit to the man in front of me. He has ruled my world for so long I have no other choice. I have lost count of the many times I wished we had never married.

"I'm sorry." I say that, alot. It is a hollow statement. One that I have said often.

I know he see it. The fact that I don't care.. I somewhere down the road gave up. Im not even sure when it happen.

I can't even bring myself to try to convince him otherwise. I feel nothing for the fact that he knows I don't care. He knows I will not stop his next move, but he makes it anyway.

He stands suddenly. "I had enough of this shit!" Grabs his keys from the hook by the door and pushes out into the yard. I close my eyes in the false relief I get at his departure.

I sit holding my breath, waiting for the sound.....the 1938 knucklehead El. It has a very original sound. I count in my head, the time ticks by.

I wait.

I wait.

I wait. This is it he going to leave me...this may be the end. I clenched my teeth as I and think. Its finally over.

Suddenly he comes back in drops his keys onto the table. The loud sound makes my snap to attention. He stocked across the room.

"Well, you going to cook supper or what." He grabs the remote. Sits back in his chair like he is king of the world. I slowly released the breath I have heald. My legs shake as I make my way to the kitchen.

I move around kitchen to do his bidding. Starting dinner, I have a son to feed. He still depends on me. I stay for him. My thoughts turn to taking care of my son. He needs me to be strong for him.