Pissing Off The Universe

1- The Three, the Thugs and the Bar

What is a will?

Possessing a will, what a funny concept. What does it all mean, what is it you actually possess? A will is a strong desire someone has in a specific situation, a positive or negative intention towards others. I possess none of these convictions, only an empty void fills my numbness as my limbs move mechanically through the twist and turns of my hometown. We, humans, need to possess a will to feel free, to be able to accomplish things in life that make us happy and complete.

Today I have none

Whilst I lose myself in my thoughts, my feet are moving with their own will, stepping one in front of the other, travelling through the slums of Burnaby. They are wandering about with a will of their own. Well, at least a part of me does. In the back of my psyche, I wonder how I can still find my way around the labyrinth of alleys after 7 years of roaming other corners of the world. I guess some places are special enough that they just stick in your mind, however hard you try to forget them. And this place, this place is special. I have always felt a connection to this city. Although I, for the life of me, cannot even start to imagine why. This is a horrendous place, there is nothing keeping me here, no family, no relatives, nor friends have deemed this place unique. Yet I feel attached to this town and I hate it, I hate myself for it. Why I call it home is as a mystery for me as it is for you. In fact, I left. And now I am unwillingly drawn back.

Walking through the town without a specific location in mind, I feel my bones aching and my muscles straining from the extreme physical work I am forcing my body to put out.

I feel numb in a way. I am not usually like this. Walking is not my forte, nor is it my hobby choice. Nevertheless, I dropped what I was doing in my current life situation with my foster family in Hemlock Valley and I came here; therefore walking for 23h and 27 minutes non-stop and my feet have yet to give up. I can not start understand myself. I basically gave up the best family I ever had for nothing. They left me alone, if I didn't cause too much trouble.

Walking around, seeing the identical rusted stores I left behind, I can't help but feel cheated. I don't feel in control of my own body. I feel possessed, like one of those persons in a horror movie that aren't in control of their body but that are there witnessing everything they are doing and being powerless to stop it. Well, what possessed me to do this? I blame it on my need for answers, answers to the questions I have been asking myself for years. I need these answers to find myself, to find my will. I was never able to fit in, never able to accept my surroundings and myself. I have always felt out of place, like I didn't belong in this world.

I've been moving from one foster family to another for a long time. My guess is that I just haven't ever been able to adapt to a clean type of life. Everything in my life has felt out of place. Everything, everywhere and everyone, except for one thing : right here and right now.

A peculiar sense of right and belonging filled me at this moment as I continue to venture deeper into the town and that is what makes me focus on an unknown goal, I walk with a new determination as the feeling gets stronger.

Something snaps me out of my trance, if it's pain I do not know. I tear my gaze from my bare feet and look up to the gray wall in front of me. I do not remember getting here, nor do I remember ever being here when I was an inhabitant of Burnaby.

Howbeit, I am apprehensive and exited as if my body recognizes this place. In front of me was located a single worn out door, bearing at the top the inscriptions " Old Admiral Pub " in bright shiny neon letters.