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i'm broken [past]

  5:54pm Sun. 10/29/2017  

"Sundays are my suicide days"

here's a depressing rant from october of last year, around halloween.

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I'm broken.

I have an F I could've fixed in civics.

And I have a B due to stress and bad luck from taking a test in algebra.

What's worse? I had the worst week overall. I was about to end myself on Friday night, but didn't because of Miranda. But now, I wish I did.

i want it to be as if i   n e v e r   e x i s t e d.

I'm tired. of everything. of everyone. of life.

i'm tired of feeling this way. give way to no feelings. but it's merely impossible.

we seek emotions like we seek drama in a book, or a television series. weird how the human psyche works, huh?

if we never felt, what worth would anything be in life?

at the same time, if we never felt, think of all the things that would've never happened.

racism. prejudice. bullying. depression. self-consciousness. spitefulness. broken hearts.

i hate feelings. i have negative feelings towards feelings. even happiness; after it's over, that is.

it's as if happiness is always temporary. maybe because it is.

i cant be happy.

i wish i was numb. i wish i was in pain. if i was in pain, all i'd be thinking about is how much pain i was in, and not about the other things in life.

then again,

i'm already feeling pain. all these feelings, dreads, regrets, upsets, all of these. they're all pains that last longer than a scraped knee, a broken bone, a sudden paper cut.

why does everything hurt?

why must i feel this way? why can't everything be okay?

w h y   w o n ' t   l i f e   j u s t   g i v e   w a y 

to my needs and desires? my hopes, dreams and fires?

what if this was goodbye? i think it will be. i have no time to waste. for i have wasted as much as i have. please, don't forgive me for there is nothing to forgive. i'm doing you a favor, refusing to live.

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wow that was v. depressing but aren't i always