Connection

Prologue

All my life, there had always been a longing for a mother’s love; For a care and for a support of one.

“I am so proud of you, anak.”

“Mama will always be here for you.”

Those words, whether I like it or not, were never spoken to me— never received by me. And I’m longing to hear them from the woman who brought me in this world.

And the saddest part about that is, she’s just somewhere reachable and touchable. We’re living in the same roof but there seemed to be a huge, solid wall between us. We’re just like two people who knew each other but were never part of each other’s world.

Mahirap sa’kin tanggapin na parang wala lang ako sa kanya.

Mahirap tanggapin na ang layo ng ugnayan naming dalawa.

Pero mas mahirap isipin na hindi ko alam kung saan siya nanggagaling— kung saan nagsimula ang lahat ng ito.

Being an unwanted child could be the closest answer to that, but I can only assume. I need a direct and clear answer from her. I need some explanation for all of my questions because I have quite a lot.

Kung may isang daang tula para kay Stella, ako naman may isang daang tanong para sa aking ina.

Kung may linya si Liza na, “Panget ba ako? Kapalit palit ba ako?”

Ako naman ay may linyang, “Bakit tayo ganito? Kasalanan bang maging anak mo?”

They told me to be grateful for the roof above my head, food on my table, affording hundreds of thousands of tuition fees, and all of the other privileges I was born with.

Am I ungrateful for still feeling incomplete despite my well-off upbringing?

Because all I truly needed was a connection with my Mom that was real and lasting.