Connection

Chapter 10

[Trigger warning: rape]

/HAEL/

Here’s a thing about assault.

It doesn’t end with opening up with someone and hearing how sorry they are for you. It doesn’t end with a tight hug. It doesn’t go away at all. You just get freed from it for a while and it’s back to terrorize your whole being again. Its gravity pulls you down and no matter how you fight it, it always wins.

“I am so, so, sorry, Hael.” Dr. Veneracion says while hugging me. I do not even remember her walking towards me, but I accept it nonetheless. “Do you know who it was? Was it one of your classmates?”

“No, it’s not. They wouldn’t be able to do that and I don’t want them to get involved in this. Leave them out of the picture.” I wipe my tears when she breaks the hug. “I remember his name, I’m just not sure if it’s his real name. But his face... it is still clear to me. Like I will be able to identify him if I see him again.”

“Then we should report him.”

“No! Remember your promise, you won’t tell this to anyone else!”

“But, Hael, you were wronged here. Rape is a crime and whoever did this to you should be punished.”

“I don’t want to relive it again. I don’t want to see him again. I just want to forget it happened.” I beg. If only she has some pills that will make me forget all of this, I will gladly take it. She will be most helpful on that. “It makes me fear falling asleep at night because I know it is going to haunt me in my sleep. I spent my night crying, questioning why it had to happen to me, and beating myself because I know I’m at fault for it too.”

“Hey, I want you to understand this,” she sits by the foot of my bed and holds my hand. Hers is as soft as cotton. “It’s never your fault. Blaming yourself for it is like blaming the other girls who had the same experience with you too. It’s never okay to point the blame on the victims.”

Half of me is aware of that. But the other half is in the place where the shouldn’t haves exist. I shouldn’t have left home that night. I shouldn’t have drank anything and gotten myself drunk. I shouldn’t have made myself accessible to any stranger. I shouldn’t have disobeyed Mommy.

I tried putting that tragedy behind me, hoping I could somehow manage to bury it forever. I tried to carry my usual smile and live a life as normal as how it was before that night. I started taking a bath more than once a day, hoping that I would be able to remove the traces he left in me. But I couldn’t. His hand prints are all over me. They’re on my arms, shoulders, breasts, thighs, legs. His lips on my neck, going down further as I silently cry for help. And how could I possibly forget the killer pain that shot through me as he forced himself into me.

That tragedy is all over my body and I realize that the only way I can get rid of that is to sabotage my own flesh. It’s how I end up attempting suicide.

“It doesn’t matter whose fault it is, it already happened.”

“But your parents still need to know about what you are going through, Hael. They will be your support system.”

I let out a sarcastic chuckle, “You don’t know my parents. They were too busy doing something else to build me a solid support system.” I say. “And it’s going to be a big insult to me if ever they still find the guts to care for me. Because why just now? Why do I have to get raped for them to truly care? Does that sound good to you, Doc?”

Her eyes sympathize with me but I know she has a lot to consider from here, “But I don’t think I can let you go with this knowledge, Hael. Unless we are going to keep seeing each other to help you overcome this, hindi ako mapapanatag. You attempted to kill yourself and this is not going to be the first and last.”