Connection

Chapter 9

[Trigger warning: death, self-harm, rape]

/LEA/

“What happened?”

That was the question Mom and Aga asked over the phone. The same question that came out of their mouth the moment they arrived in the hospital. What happened? Shards of glass on the floor. Blood. My daughter, on the floor, being the primary source of that. That’s what happened. Or the least of what I remember happened.

“Goddamn, Carmen, answer me! What happened?” Mom is asking again. She is furious at me as if I am the one who harmed my own daughter.

I look at her and through the lens of her eyes, I see myself shaking. I barely feel it but I just realize I am, “I... I found her in her room, ble-bleeding.” I am stuttering which is the complete contrast to my defining trait. “She’s bleeding when I found her. I don’t know what happened prior to that.”

Actually, I think I do. I just leave that part out for now because I don’t think I’m ready to say that out loud.

“Where was she bleeding? How badly is she hurt?”

It never disappears. Hael’s image bleeding out in my arms is in the very front of my mind, blocking everything that I see, “Her wrists. T-They... they were cut.”

I am horrified when I say it and it reflects on my mother’s face. She is speechless, only staring at me as if waiting for me to tell her that it is not what she thinks it is.

“What do you mean they were cut?” Aga asks.

“Did she do it to herself?” Mom suggests what I have been trying to dodge off my mind. She grabs me by my arm so tight I can only droop. “Nag-away na naman ba kayo? What did you do to her that this time she went this far?”

“Ma, calm down.” Aga tries to take me from her. “We aren’t sure about that yet. Maybe it was only an accident.”

But it’s not. I saw it myself. I know what an accident looks like because I’ve seen one before. Matthew was in an accident that took him away from us. But this, this was self-inflicted. And I know Aga knows that too.

My mother lets go of my arm— only for her palm to land on my cheek. It burns but it’s a slap I did not know I needed. I am stoic but alive nonetheless. I stop shaking. It is only when I truly realize that they are here with me.

“Hael better not say that you are the main reason why she harmed herself, otherwise...” there is a pause in her sentence, but I know my Mom too well to continue it in my head. “Gusto mo ba talaga mawalan ulit ng anak? Kasi ‘yun mismo ang gagawin ko sa’yo. I will take her away from the two of you.”

“I didn’t want this to happen!” I exclaim. Tears once again start falling from my dry and stiff eyes. “You can assign the blame on me but please, please, Mom, do not even imply that I do this on purpose. That I like losing my kids. That I liked the thought of hanging myself after Matthew died.”

“But you liked pushing them to the edge, especially with Hael.” she replies. “You pushed her to do this. You didn’t want it to happen but you led her to this. Tell me why shouldn’t I blame you for losing your kids?”

“Ma, that’s enough!”

“Yes, this is enough! Because I’ll make sure you will lose all your rights over my granddaughter after this. I didn’t want to do this either but you showed me that I should!”

I have no energy to defend myself or to beg my mother not to do what she’s planning to do. Maybe I’ll do it later because I’m not going to just sit around and give Hael up that easily. I love my Mom— I love her despite her wonderful ability of hurting me— but Hael is my daughter. I want her to be nowhere but in my home, no matter how imperfect that home is.