The Untouchables

Chapter 4 - Selfishly Disintegrating

My eyes are wide with utter astonishment as I replay the words forced onto my ears, staying with my family?

Why, is it so he can control me, force me to bend to his will? How do I stop this? I look at him and he gives me this plastic smile, it infuriates me.

“My staying with your family is okay, right.” He smiles again.

 I look over at my mother and of course she gives me this look to not make another scene. Everything is so restricting and I feel so smothered.

I’m so embarrassed and I feel sorry to myself.

I have to keep quiet, don’t talk back, and be a lady and not myself.

I bite down hard on my bottom lip and ball my fists at my side, my fingers digging into my rough palms.

She, just like a caged tiger who wants to be free is left feeling nothing more than like a kitten.

I can feel hot angry tears forming as my neck stiffens and my vision blurs.

I can’t stay here.

Before I know it my feet are moving, they hit the earth blaming it childishly for everything, for keeping them here.

I can hear my mother distantly but then my ears turn off and I just walk off leaving them and their superficial happiness that they can’t even understand.

Happiness, what is that, is it a thing, a person? What does it do, what does it feel like, how do you feel it? Why can’t I feel it…?

Why can I only seem to understand pain, and sadness, hunger and anger? Am I really that incapable of the feeling?

I lifelessly drop to my sorry knees when I get to the stream, my calm place. I look into the mucky waters and stare at my pitiful refection. I smile then roll my eyes.

“Why do I have to always force myself, you know what happiness, I don’t want you, you’re a burden! I don’t need you you’ll only cloud my judgment. I can’t stand… you.” I put my shaky hands over my eyes, what am I really doing?

I look like an idiot arguing with an emotion I don’t even know.

I look at my reflection again.

“Who are you and what have you done to Ribbon? She isn’t weak, she doesn’t… cry.”

I never cry, I’m always on the verge of tears, but it’s like they just freeze up, but today I’m weird as salty liquid continues it’s expedition down my face.

I suddenly dunk my head into the stream and begin to count to four, my reset number. One, two, three-

“Ribbon what the hell!” I hear Mhat’s voice scarcely.

Four, I’m okay. I feel Mhat grab me bringing my head back out from below.

“Why are you resetting, does he get under your skin that much?” Mhat says.

Mhat is the only one that understands, he isn’t fooled by the mirage of a prince.

“No I’m fine.” I say putting back on my mental armor.

I feel something, it’s cold but it’s reassuring, comforting. It’s Mhat’s hand. He enlaces his cold hand with my frozen one. It’s cold. We’re cold. It’ll never warm, we’ll never change.

“Ribbon stop it, are you going to just wallow in your self pity, talk instead, I’m here for only you. Please just let me in.” Mhat says, his eyes searching mine to find me, to obtain my key so he can open me.