Remember you (Markjin/son)

Like a broken dream

Dear Jinyoung

I always knew there was something more to Jackson then juts high-pitched laughter and an infectious grin, I saw it in his eyes.

Yesterday he visited me, like he does so often, and we talked, like we always do.
But then he started to talk about his parents, who live far away in China. Normally he would avoid this topic, maybe something happend that made him want to talk.

I noticed how different his voice sounded, it wasn't the confident, laughing voice I was used to, it was a voice I never heard him speak in before, careful, like he was scared.

He told me he was feeling like a disappointment, like a bad son. He is unsure about the path he chose, anxious about every decision he has to make and afraid to let someone down, afraid that he isn't enough. That even small gestures and pointless word can make him over think for the whole night and doubt himself over and over again. He told me that sometimes he thinks that he only cares about the problems of others to distract him from his own and that he feels lonely, even if he is surrounded by people.

He sounded broken, careful and insecure. I think that hurt even more then his words, because it's easier to tell a lie then to keep your lips from trembling, his voice made the things he said believable.

He even cried, warm tears leaving his eyes after what seemed a long time, he must have bottled all his feelings up inside him and now they were pouring out his heart, shaking his body.

And finally his broken eyes and the fear and confusion I saw in them made sense to me. He really was broken, shattered into pieces and I desperately wanted to hold him together, because I knew he would do the same for me, because usually he holds me together.

I listened to him talk, holding him close, letting the words leave his heart, hopefully taking the feelings with them. I told him I'll always be there for him and that I would be proud of him if I was his father.

Now I'm afraid I gave a promise I won't be able to keep, I'm afraid I won't be able to stand by him. Because the world doesn't care about my promises.