Everything Feels Wrong

i didn't know what to do

*** so at this point you should know that this entire story is a trigger warning but if you're sensitive to the topic of abortion air on the side of caution please***

You know those commercials for pregnancy tests, with the happy girlfriend showing her boyfriend the positive test, and then they hug and cry, because it's a miracle? Imagine the exact opposite of that. Me, crying in my bathroom, alone, staring at these three plastic sticks with my fate written all over them. My mother had told me, a few weeks before this, that she'd love me as long as I 1) didn't do drugs, 2) didn't get pregnant, and 3) stayed a girl, unlike my transgender friends. So talking to her about this was nowhere near an option. After I got over the initial shock, kind of, I texted the only person who I felt really gave a shit. They didn't know what to do, and neither did I, but the support there was really nice.

So now, here I am, thirteen years old, wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do with this information. I mean, I knew my only logical option, but it wasn't what I wanted to do. I don't know anyone who finds out they've got a fucking person developing inside them and goes, "Yes, let's kill it!" I couldn't be a parent. I couldn't have a baby, for a lot of reasons. But I wanted to. I wanted to keep my kid.

My sister, having been in a similar situation, told me she'd help. She'd pay for it, and she'd go with me. And that I should probably do it as soon as possible, so I didn't get too attached. Did I listen to that advice? No. Should I have? Yes.