"I attacked her, I bit her by the arm... I broke her arms with my own hand. And do you know why I did it to her? Because she fucking touched me, because she tried to stop me from moving. Emma is always telling people to do not treat me like an animal, BUT I ACT LIKE A FUCKING ONE. I'm the worst person ever, and that isn't why am here. THAT ISN'T THE WORST THING I DID" roll down her doll like face.
"Oh" I couldn't manage words to come out of my mouth. I hate to admit it, but I got scared for a second. The anger and fierce stare she had while explaining... It froze every part of me.
I should feel... Disgusted?... Scared?...
I really don't know how should I be feeling right now to be honest.
But I feel sorry for her, can't help it. It's in the vulnerability her eyes hold. In the way she bites her bottom lip to stop it from trembling. The way her stare was looking for mine. Expecting to be like everyone else. Maybe to confirm what she calls herself to be. But above everything, the way her soul was begging to be forgiven, all the guilt and regret her words hold.
It really hit me. Why would someone como to react that way, but then feel how she was feeling?
"I don't want your scars to bleed again but may I ask what happened to you?"
"My therapist told me that even if it hurt, even I bleed, I'll feel better telling my story... It's quite long, do you really wanna hear it?" she said with teary eyes.
"I got all the time"
"Okey then, well, it all started back when I was 15. Best time of my life probably. I had a family, they were happy and so was I.
I thought he was going to hurt me, to touch me the same way that did the other man. I WAS SO DAMN SELFISH, he didn't do anything wrong yet he has even a worse end than mine. I am worse than the man who did this to me..." she opened her heart to me saying all these things, she was sobbing uncontrolably.
"Shh, calm down..." I tried to say in a sweet tone. I should have been scared of her, but somehow I found her innocent for the first time. She regreted it. She wasn't a criminal, she was scared. She tried to sound confident about what she did, but the person who just told me the story wasn't a proud one. She regreted the way she reacted, her actions.
"I CAN'T. I'M A MOSTER. If I just run after grabbing the knife, I won't be here. I won't be alone. I'll still have friends and a family... And... and...I wouldn't ended those lifes that night. I ruined that policeman life, he probably had family and friends, and because of my dumb choice of actions I took him away from them. AND THAT MAKES ME A MONSTER. Now the only one I have is my baby, who did nothing wrong but is going to have a shit life because of my damn faults. And if Emma finds him a family they won't let him visit me, they won't even talk about me, CAUSE I'M A MONSTER AND I WILL ALWAYS BE. I'll be alone for the rest of my life"
Everything she did shocked me, it had to be very hard living with that responsavility I felt a pain in my heart hearing her story. I couldn't let her like that, she did horrible things. But, I didn't mind them anymore. It hurt to see her like that.
I hugged her, as tight as possible, trying to not hurt her baby.
"You aren't, I'm here, with you"
"Didn't you heard me, I broke her arm. I killed all tho-"
"I DON'T MIND. Broke my arm if you want, or even my leg. Attack me if you want to. But I'll continue to hug you, because I care"
She hugged me bag and cried silently on my shoulder.
