Monster

Chapter 16 - Descent into Madness

The memories I'd buried in Milan brought a darkness to my mind that I couldn't shake. I sat in a room at the Town House Galleria with a bottle of scotch, thinking about the past and all we'd missed out on. I didn't even know if I could get anyone pregnant anymore.

I'd had my sperm count tested before proposing the idea of children, and it was normal. But now, forty eight years after my last visit to this city, I had no idea if that had changed, or if my fertility was like most of my other physical traits: immutable.

Not that it mattered; I had no one to impregnate and no desire for children with anyone other than Francesca. I had no need for children or love or even sex now that my Goddess was gone from my life. The objective of my existence had been to be Her companion, Her lover. I had wanted so badly to live but had died regardless. But She brought me back and gave me a new life and a new purpose. She was my raison d'être.

And without my reason for being, I was left alone and adrift.

The next few days were washed in exhaustion and melancholy. I couldn't sleep for missing Her, and I was over stressed from all the running. The vigilance and lack of sleep left me perpetually drained, and I spent the nights drinking myself into lonely oblivion, my days wandering aimlessly.

I ambled the streets of Milan, looking at the hundreds of things that had not changed in the hundreds of years it had been standing, and all the millions of things that had changed since I'd held Her here. Time passed, and life evolved. Buildings crumbled and new ones were erected. People died and new ones were born.

Only when I died, I came back. And I didn't change or evolve. It wasn't fair that my Love hadn't been the immortal goddess in reality that She was in my eyes, and that I was alone in my timelessness.

After five days of these gloomy thoughts and memories, I walked into the hotel lobby, on my way to lunch – and saw Walt standing at the front desk, speaking animatedly to the clerk. My heart rate spiked in panic, and I turned and walked briskly back to the elevator I'd just left. I managed to get on as the door was about to close and only turned back around after the door shut entirely. I got off two floors below mine and then ran to the stairwell at the end of the hall and up the remaining floors.

I fumbled with the key card, nearly dropping it, as I stormed into my room to grab my things. I removed my wooden box from my suitcase and stuffed it into my satchel along with my computer. I double checked that my phone was in the interior front pocket I'd sewn into my suit vest, and left the room. I went back to the stairwell and half ran, half stumbled down the stairs. I exited into the lobby, where Walt was still standing at the front desk.

This time, the clerk was on the phone, waiting for something. He was probably calling my room. I'd almost made it to the door when Walt turned and saw me. It took him no time to recognize me, even with my darker skin, glasses, and polished appearance. A slow smile spread across his face and he took a step toward me. He looked back at the clerk and shook his head, apparently canceling his request, and I took that moment to bolt out the front door and onto the sidewalk.

I ran a few feet to a waiting taxi, and threw the door open. I slid in and slammed it shut, and at the driver's irritated face, said in Italian, "I will give you €150 to get me to Milano Centrale as quickly as possible." His face brightened and he pulled out of the parking spot. As he did, Walt reached the taxi and slammed his palm on the door. "Just go," I said urgently. "Vai."

We arrived at the train station ten minutes later and I handed him the cash then jumped out and hurried to the ticket counter. I bought a seat on the soonest leaving train, which was to Rome, and barely managed to make it on before it left. Through the window, I saw Walt standing by the ticket counter, staring at my train.