This is the most ticked off I have been for quite some time. I commented on a story that I saw some issues with in a very nice manner and was replied to in a very ignorant way. I'l just let all of you see the comments word for word, because I hate someone just taking my word for things merely over internet reading.
Warning, this is more of me making an error in judgement and digging my own grave. Just letting you know.
Me
Your character seems to suffer from "woe is me" syndrome. You started out with her complaining about her life, without any backstory. This makes your character seem whiny and intolerant. How should we as readers know if this is warranted or not? Maybe the character is a complete jerk to everyone, so that's why they treat her this way.
You can start a story out like this, but you have to handle it properly.
Take a look at this:
I see two other girls my age, laughing and walking from the coffee shop to the perfume shop. They are each carrying a scone and small covered cup of what I'm guessing is hot chocolate. They are dressed in form fitting teal and lavender shirts, with matching Ugg boots, scarves adding decoration around their jewelry clad necks, and designer jeans patterned with dark sequins on the butt.
I looked down at my own clothing; a semi baggy pink cross country shirt, plain black flip-flops, and gray sweatpants that accentuate nothing. My hair isn't done up like theirs, in fact, it is in a loose ponytail that is too low. I have to wear glasses, and they have eyes full of merriment that everyone can see. Most people don't know I have brown eyes, until I take off my glasses.
See how this exemplifies that these girls are oblivious to other people and that the main character is different? Not only this, but this could be reworded into a starter for a story. The trick is that this doesn't sound whiny.
Good luck.
*The above material is copyrighted, so you cannot use it for your story. You can use it as inspiration though.
User
were you like being mean because I'm freaking 12 not James Patterson. I know how my story roles out and if you don't like it then don't read it and if you read the other chapters there are flashbacks of her life so don't assume stuff until you've read it
Me
Dude, I'm trying to help you. I don't car what your age is, I saw a problem so I offered advice.
I could've told you that you are not ready for first person because the way you write is not suited well enough for the point of view of someone who has gone through things like this. But I didn't. I told you a way to improve your writing instead of harping on you.
True readers don't want an info-dump of the character's crappy life in the first chapter, it's too much and makes the character seem unrealistic and immature. No less your writing.
If you really want to start it out like you have here, then do as my example above showed you. Show your readers how her family is without telling us.
A good rule to keep in mind is that if you have this in any way, fashion, or form, you're doing it wrong;
"GET YOUR A$$ DOWN HERE!"
"I'm sorry, I overslept!" I yelped as my father screamed at me.
"I DON'T CARE YOU WORTHLESS PICE OF CRAP!"
All CAPS does nothing but hinder writing. Honestly, if you want to write this in first person, make the audience feel her pain. Give us a reason to care for your character so when you do mention this stuff, your readers will want to feel compassion.
