Rantings of Borderline Personality Disorder

so much has happened

There is a large chunk of time between the last update and this one. So much has happened since July. We've bounce from hotel to hotel. We've fought, cried, fucked up, made up. Just so fucking much. To be honest I had put this "book" so far on the back burner that I nearly forgot it existed.
I reinstalled Wattpad on my phone and realized all the notices about this kinda felt like support from total strangers. It nearly made me cry. So much stuff makes me want to cry though so I guess that doesn't mean much.
I'm wholly honored by the people who've taken the time to look at this. To take a peek at the surface that I've only just scratched of my issues and not place judgement on me. Gods know I feel the weight of judgement so frequently. Whether it's real or imagined remains to be seen.
The last thing I opened up to my beautiful readers about was my 4 year old son's screams for his father when he was being disciplined. That has since deceased. He no longer screams for "daddy". But he really doesn't get in much trouble either because he IS such a good boy. However,  other problems have arisen. My daughter is 3 and she has stated that "Daddy poked my girl parts."
As a mother and a victim of sexual abuse I cried so much and I raged and I cursed myself for being so weak in the mind that in June 2015, I felt suicide was the only option, leading to her being with her father without me there to save her. This is the only thing I never wanted my children to deal with. She and my son both attend biweekly therapy now. Their doctor(called Dr. N for privacy purposes) believes they are processing the shitty life they've dealt with thus far very well.
Dr. N also said my parenting skills are on point. We use a method when the kids get attitudinal that's really helping. They start acting out and I tell them "Go put your attitude on your bed. Your attitude doesn't belong in the rest of the house it belongs on your bed." They go rage out on the bed and come back in better spirits. They can let out the negative energy and then continue the day.
My relationship with Jay has continued to have its ups and downs.  I know he loves me and is growing just like I am. He has continued to stand by me, sometimes helping sometimes antagonizing,  in my outbursts.
I've become overwhelmed in the past 6mths to the point of cutting myself. I'm not proud of it but (NOT CONDONING SELF HARM) it helped bring me back in those moments. I'm still depressed but some days are better than others. I've lost my job because I screamed at my bosses about the bullshit I dealt with but I found a new job and got hired within 72hrs of losing it. I think that job has been a major factor in my overactive stress levels.
I'm going to try to post when I'm processing my emotions and finding difficulty. Until then, yours truly.